Eric: So, if you'll all please avert your eyes, I have to, uh, get my secret stash of cash.
Hyde: What, you mean your Candy Land stash?
Eric: My Can... I don't keep my money in the... Candy Land box.
Fez: You moved your money from the Candy Land box?
Eric: Oh, shut up and turn around! Oh, my God, you guys. Someone stole all my money.
Fez: From Candy Land? How could such a sad thing happen in such a happy place?

Jackie: Oh, my God. You guys. Guess who's gonna be in the Miss Dairy Princess Pageant?
Fez: Oh, I know. A cow?
Jackie: No. Me!
Donna: A beauty pageant?
Jackie: Yeah! I mean, look, Donna, it's not enough that we know I'm prettier than everyone else. I want the world to know!
Donna: And what better way to do it than go on stage and parade around like a piece of meat?
Jackie: I know! I know!

Hyde: Man, a beauty coach? What's goin' on with you?
Kelso: When Jackie wins this pageant, I am gonna be the guy with the hottest chick of all of the hot chicks.
Hyde: Yeah, Kelso, that's genius.
Kelso: Yeah, just picture it.
[fantasy:]
Bob Eubanks: And this year's Miss Dairy Princess is... Kelso's girlfriend!
Kelso: Yes! [giggles] Oh, thank you! Thank you. Thank you, Bob Eubanks.
Bob Eubanks: Mr. Kelso, now that you've been crowned, what's going to be your first order of business?
Kelso: Well, as Mr. Dairy Princess, I would like to give milk products to all of those in need. And then someday, I would like to rule an entire hot chick dairy kingdom! Settle down, girls. There's plenty of me to go around here.

Eric: All right, where's my money?
Laurie: What money?
Eric: The money you stole from my... Special place.
Laurie: You mean, the pathetic bundle of ones you keep in your little Candy Land game?
Eric: So you admit you knew where it was.
Laurie: Okay, Eric, first of all, you were a mistake. Ask Mom and Dad. And second, if I did steal it, I'd tell you to your face and then I'd steal it more.
Eric: Yeah, that does sound like you.

Eric: Damn! Who took my money?
Laurie: Isn't it obvious who took it? I mean, think about it, no morals, lack of character, bad reputation.
Eric: So you did take it.
Laurie: No, you idiot. Hyde. He's staying down in the basement, he's poor, he steals stuff.
Eric: No. No, Hyde wouldn't do that to me.
Laurie: I'm sure you're right, Eric. He's a real good friend. So, Kelso tells me Hyde tried to steal Donna last year. Is that true?
Eric: No. I mean... Well, he tried, but he didn't succeed.
Laurie: Hmm, that's not much better, is it, Eric?
Eric: Was I really a mistake?
Laurie: They sued the condom company.

Red: Well, boys, there she is, our brand-new water heater. Ain't she a beauty?
Eric: Yep. This is the best water heater ever. God bless us every one.
Red: You know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: 'Cause he had a smart mouth?
Red: That's right.

Man: [on TV] The winner, and still champion, Muhammad Ali.
Hyde: All right, Fez, you lose. Give me five bucks.
Donna: [enters]Hey. What's goin' on?
Fez: I just lost five bucks on the Muhammad Ali fight.
Donna: Fez, that's a rerun. That fight happened a week ago.
[Donna takes the money from Hyde and returns it to Fez]

Donna: So, Jackie, does the winner get a scholarship or something?
Kelso: Who cares? College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.
Donna: No, college is for women who don't want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.

Eric: Hey, Mom. When you were cleaning up downstairs, you didn't happen to come across 60 bucks, did you?
Kitty: Oh, Eric, did you lose your Candy Land cash?
Eric: Does everyone know where I keep my money?
Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. It was a good hiding place. Oh! Maybe you put it in Chutes and Ladders.
Eric: No. I checked. I mean, I don't know who could have taken it. At first I thought it was Laurie, but...
Kitty: Oh, honey, no. Laurie wouldn't steal from you. She steals from me.

Eric: Look, Hyde, I just got back from hanging out with Donna and you know what? Hyde, I don't even care what happened to my money. 'Cause money doesn't make the world go around. You know what does?
Hyde: Screw you. You called me a thief.
Eric: It's love. That's right. Love makes the world go around.