‘Shoplifter’
Season 1, Episode 5 - Aired January 11, 2016
After Amy is forced to bring her daughter, Amy, to work, she asks Jonah to look after her. Meanwhile, Dina tries to catch a shoplifter, and an elderly customer dies in the store.
Quote from Garrett
Garrett: Whoop-whoop! [old man remains asleep]
Jonah: What are you doing? He's so peaceful. Just let him be.
Garrett: Man, if I got to be awake, he got to be awake. [shouts] Yo! Old white dude! Black people taking over! [normal voice] Ooh. That usually wakes 'em up. He's not...
Jonah: No, he couldn't be. Hey, hey, Pop-Pop. Hey... [old man falls over] Ah!
Garrett: Oh, Jonah touched a dead guy! Jonah touched a dead guy!
Quote from Dina
Amy: So, she just kept the dead man's wallet, and we're all okay with that?
Dina: Finders keepers.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: Anyway, uh, I thought we should all gather as a group in sort of a safe space so that we can share any feelings that we have about what happened. Um, is anyone feeling any sadness? [silence] Or shock? Or guilt? There are no wrong answers. [Garrett raises his hand] Yes, Garrett.
Garrett: I guess apathy. I don't got any feelings about this dude.
Glenn: Okay, uh, Garrett, thank you for sharing. Um, is anyone else feeling feelings of apathy? [all hands go up] Okay, well, that's valid. That's va... No, it's not valid! You know what? No one is leaving this room until I see someone express some real G-D emotion!
Jonah: Uh, well, perhaps seeing a dead person today made us all realize how fragile the journey of life really is.
Glenn: Thank you. A little cliche, but points for effort. All right, um, why don't we just all bow our heads...
Dina: No religion in the workplace.
Glenn: Okay, a moment of silence.
Dina: Nope. Not if you're thinking about God.
Quote from Amy
Glenn: Amy, can I see you for a minute?
Amy: Um, wait, I have to watch the jewelry counter.
Glenn: Jonah? Watch jewelry, will you?
Jonah: Sure.
Amy: Um, no. I don't think, um, Jonah has very much experience with... jewelry.
Jonah: I don't have any jewelry of my own, but my brothers have some jewelry that I've played with.
Glenn: Amy.
Amy: Um... yeah. Okay. Uh... Well, I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Stay here, and, uh, whatever you do, don't bring attention to the jewelry.
Jonah: Trust me, no one will know the jewelry is here.
Glenn: There is so much I don't understand about sales.
Quote from Jonah
Jonah: Hey, Emma? You... you've been in here a while. Is... is everything okay?
Emma: [o.s.] I'm fine. Can you get my mom?
Jonah: Uh, you know, your mom is actually with our boss right now, and I don't want to get her in trouble, so...
Emma: Can you please just get her?
Jonah: Uh, you know, Emma, whatever it is, you can trust me, I promise you...
Emma: I got my first period!
Jonah: I'm gonna go get your mom.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: Uh, wait a sec. Wait, so you detained her without proof?
Dina: There was a faulty surveillance camera.
Glenn: She could sue the store! Do you remember Linda Beavers? She was fired for falsely accusing someone of shoplifting.
Amy: Wait, Linda was fired?
Glenn: Yeah.
Amy: She told me the doctor said she was too fat to work.
Glenn: Yeah, that was just her excuse to save face.
Dina: Look, I'm not falsely accusing her. She did it, I just can't prove it.
Glenn: Okay, she hasn't been in there long, so just apologize, and hopefully, that'll be the end of it.
Dina: You want me to let her go? I saw her do it!
Glenn: It doesn't matter what you saw. Just cut your losses and move on. That's an order. I just sounded like my wife right there.
Quote from Jonah
Jonah: Hey, Emma, I want you to know I can't find your mom, but don't worry, I can handle it. [a man walks out] And I'm in the men's room.
[later:]
Jonah: I want you to know, I can't find your mom, but don't worry, I can handle it.
Emma: [o.s.] Are you sure? 'Cause my mom said you're not that good at doing stuff.
Jonah: Did your mom ever say anything positive about me? [to himself] This is not about me.
Quote from Dina
Dina: I need your help. That shoplifter's still upstairs.
Amy: Dina, you didn't let her go? You heard Glenn, you could lose your job.
Dina: Not if we can get her to confess.
Amy: We... Uh, sorry. We?
Dina: Look, I know we've never been close. Frankly, there are a lot of things I can't stand about you, but right now, you're the only person I trust.
Amy: Um... no.
Dina: Please... I... I don't want to lose my job.
Amy: Is this gonna take a long time?
Dina: No. I mean, I was hoping for a quick nacho bar fuel up, but we can skip that. I mean, unless you...
Amy: No.
Dina: We'll skip it! We'll skip it.
Quote from Jonah
Jonah: Okay, Uncle Jonah's back. Gross. Please pretend I did not just call myself "Uncle Jonah."
Emma: [o.s.] Did you get something?
Jonah: Yep, these are colorful. Oh! And this one has a girl playing soccer on the cover.
Emma: I just want whatever's easy to use.
Jonah: I got to be honest, none of these really look easy to use.