Jonah: Hiya. So what else did Mom say about me? Aside from the general incompetence.
Emma: I have to go to the bathroom.
Jonah: Oh, Maze Runner. We must chat when you get back. I have lots of opinions.

Dina: I'm a hunter. Some people like to hunt elk, or deer. I hunt people, and your head is going on my wall.
Julie: I didn't steal anything.
Dina: Oh, you didn't? Well, this was easy. Sorry for the mix-up, you can go. Here, let me get you your purse. Oops! Ha ha! Well, well, well, lookie what we've got here.
Emma: That's mine. I came in with it.
Dina: How convenient for you. Well... I guess it's just my word against yours then. If only I had some sort of device right at my fingertips that recorded your illegal activity. [gasps] Oh. If only I could simply press a button, and see that recording. Oh. [video flickers] If only that had worked.

Glenn: "It is not death a man should fear, but never beginning to live." Marcus Aurelius. "I don't got no fear of death." Tupac Shakur.
Amy: Those are beautiful, Glenn.
Glenn: Thank you.
Amy: You're welcome. Um, I think I need to get back to the jewelry counter.
Glenn: Oh, sure, get back to jewelry. A man died here today. When I die, will it be business as usual? Jewelry, cosmetics, sporting goods, electronics, grocery...
Amy: No, you're right. You're right, Glenn.
Glenn: Men's apparel. Women's apparel. Housewares. Seasonal.
Amy: Well, would it make you feel better if we did something for his family?
Glenn: I know a guy who makes life-size puppets of the deceased using their actual hair.
Amy: Well, that's one idea. Here's another one. What if we sent his family a condolence card?
Glenn: Oh, that's even better. 'Cause those puppets are pretty horrifying.

Dina: It is unfortunate that the situation arose where you were accused of something that, due to circumstance, the proof that you did it... [clears throat] was lost. Such that, to anyone who wasn't there in person, they wouldn't know you had did it.
Julie: I'm sorry, is this an apology?
Dina: Yes, and don't say sorry to me. I don't accept.
Julie: Uh, don't worry. I won't. I'm leaving.
Dina: Okay. Just need you to sign this form stating that I let you go and that you won't sue the store.
Julie: Anything to get away from your polyester blend shirt and that stupid little ponytail you're forced to wear.
Dina: Uh, the ponytail is not forced. It is one of 12 approved hairstyles for female employees.
Julie: Mm, well, whatever it is, it's pitiful. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you work retail. Pitiful means sad.
Dina: I know you stole.
Julie: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Dina: [rips up contract] We're just getting started, lady! I cannot physically touch you, but I can get very close.

Jonah: [to a female customer] Excuse me, ah... I'm an 11-year-old girl. Do I like pads or tampons? Hyp- Hypothetically.

Garrett: Oh, hey, dude. You want to split a pizza for lunch break?
Jonah: What do you know about periods?
Garrett: Oh, it's bleeding from the uterus that's released through the vagina. Happens every 28 days, give or take a few, depending on the lady. They all snowflakes. So was that a no for pizza?
Jonah: I don't think I'm hungry anymore.
Garrett: Whoo, I am.

Amy: So how, exactly, are we getting her to confess?
Dina: We're going classic good cop, bad cop.
Amy: Like they do in the movies?
Dina: Trust me. I've been doing this for years. This'll work.
Amy: Okay, good cop, bad cop.
[They enter the back room]
Dina: Hey, there, this is my bestie, Amy. Be careful of her, she's a little unstable.
Amy: Um.... [clears throat] Listen up, dirt bag. [knocks over chair]
Julie: Ow.
Dina: Do you need some water or a mint? God, you're just so pretty.
Julie: Are you gonna let me go, or what?
Dina: I want to, but Amy here is a maniac. She's loco.
Amy: [thick accent] Uh, yeah, loco! Loco 'bout bustin' perps! [growls]

Julie: Okay, listen Rizzoli and Isles, I'm not confessing to anything, especially not to two minimum-wage morons.
Amy: I'm sorry, what?
Dina: Hey, sweetie, you seem stressed. Do you want a back rub?
Amy: No, no, no, no, no. Who do you think you are? You can't just walk up in here, start calling us morons.
Dina: Amy, forget it, okay? This clearly isn't working. Guess you're free to go, courtesy of one broken camera in the Makeup Department.
Amy: Wait. You saw her in Makeup?
Dina: Yeah.
Amy: Well, you know, the cameras in Accessories also cover Makeup.
Dina: [gasps] I just realized. If we pull the footage from Accessories, we've got our proof!
Amy: Yeah, that's what I was saying.
Dina: And you're going down, thief!
Amy: Enjoy prison!

Glenn: Well, well, look who didn't feel like paying for their copy of Barney's Great Adventure.
Julie: That's not mine, someone else must have put it there.
Glenn: Now, let me be clear. You have two options. You can report Dina to corporate while I report you to the police, or we can agree that sometimes good people make mistakes, and put this whole darn thing behind us.
Julie: Fine. But I'm never stepping foot in this dump again.
Glenn: And God grants us another miracle. Have a heavenly day. [off Dina's look] What?
Dina: Did you plant that?
Glenn: Dina, I'm a man of truth and principle, so how can you even ask me that?
Dina: Understood.
Glenn: It was me. I did it. I saved you. You owe me so hard! So hard! Yeah! I lied!

Glenn: We didn't know Charles, but he chose to spend the last few moments of his life with us. Charles, may your soul... [Dina looks at Glenn] or non-denominational life force, I guess, be lifted by the non-gender-specific arms of a loving entity or non-entity...
Dina: Hey. Just once? Knock yourself out.
Glenn: Jesus Christ! The hands of Jesus Christ, who saves us from our sins. With his precious blood, and welcomes us as little lambs...