Amy: And then my sister needs a new windshield, and my mom's crisper drawer in her fridge is broken, so...
Jonah: So sorry, I-I get that your mother's fridge is super exciting, but I meant what are you gonna do for you?
Amy: I don't need anything.
Jonah: No, it's not about need. This is not about need. This is free money. This is your chance to get you something. So I want you to close your eyes... do it... and I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your mind. Stop laughing. Take this seriously, okay?
Amy: Okay, I'm sorry, I just keep having this mental image of you doing that cliché where you get me to magically discover the one thing I never knew I wanted... so dumb. Okay, my mind's clear.
Jonah: Well, now you ruined it, so you're never gonna know what you want.
Amy: Okay, look, if I were gonna splurge on myself, there is this really fancy spa that I drive by every day on my way to work, and I have imagined what it would be like to, like, go in there and be like, do it up.
Jonah: Yes! You be selfish. This is your moment.
Amy: Yeah, I'm going to.
Jonah: Good, I'm glad I could help.
Amy: You didn't really do that much, but...
Jonah: Anytime.

Glenn: Hey! No monkey business at work. [normal voice] Yeah, you have to tell me if you're smiling.
Dina: I'm not.
Glenn: Well, I bet I can cheer you up, or I'm a monkey's uncle.
Dina: Oh, well, I guess the thing that's really concerning me is my boss. He's got a lot of problems.
Glenn: What? That's bananas.
Dina: Yeah, uh, actually, none of his employees respect him, retail's dying, yet he works at a crap store, he tried to be a deacon at his church like five times, but they just don't want him. Oh, and for the record, that whole banana thing? That's actually a myth. Yeah, most monkeys live and die without ever having seen a banana. Their lives are short, violent, and horrifying. [walks off]
Glenn: Dina? Are you there?

Amy: Well, I would return the money if I knew whose it was, but there was no ID.
Jonah: Although we did find weed, dip, porn, and a receipt for an Arizona iced tea, so we know it's somebody with class.
Sandra: Was the iced tea raspberry or regular?
Mateo: Does it matter, Sandra?
Sandra: No. Sorry.

Garrett: Yo, I say we take this money to the track, double it, then double it again, double it again, then lose it.

Mateo: Well, since Amy grifted me, can we at least use some of the money to buy coat hooks?
Garrett: Oh, and some lamps because these fluorescent lights got people looking like Tilda Swinton.

Garrett: Hey, look, I just wanted to clarify about earlier when I was smiling, I wasn't. I mean, I wasn't smiling at you. See, I was pretending to smile because Glenn is, like, trying to make people happy, and, like, was doing, so I was... Look, point is, I wasn't being weird.
Dina: Right, okay, so you accidentally smiled at me, then let your neuroses build up to the point that you had to track me down in the dressing rooms to explain it away... like a normal person.
Garrett: Oh, no, I just... what... what I was doing...
Dina: Is this your first time? Is that what this is about?
Garrett: No...
Dina: Listen, it's nothing to be ashamed of, okay? You're actually the third v-card I've taken. And don't you go falling in love with me. [laughs]
Garrett: What?

Cheyenne: Ooh, a panini press! We could have hot sandwiches.
Amy: Uh, okay, yeah. Put it in the cart. [off Jonah's look] What? I love hot sandwiches. Ask anybody.
Jonah: I just thought that the rest of the money was gonna go to this gal.
Amy: It is because what makes me happy is seeing other people be happy.
Jonah: Oh, really? Great, because I would be so happy if I had a psychedelic lava lamp.
Amy: Then you should have it.
Jonah: Great, that's... okay, thank you. You know what? This is gonna look really nice with my brand-new framed photo of Ronald Reagan.
Amy: That too.
Jonah: Fantastic, do we sell above-ground pools?

Cheyenne: This is the best day of my life.
Mateo: You just had a baby.

Amy: Oh, hey, Tate, can I get a turn on that?
Tate: There's a sign-up sheet.
Amy: Oh, it looks like you've signed yourself up for the rest of the day.
Tate: Well, there's no rule against it. I'm not gonna apologize for taking advantage of a loophole. Makes me smart.
Amy: Tate, get your ass out of my chair.
Tate: What? It's all of our chair.
Amy: No, actually, I bought the chair with the money I found because I wanted everybody to be happy, including me. So get out of my chair before I pull you out by your greasy, little hair plugs.
Tate: All right, all right, I'm getting up, you psycho.
Amy: Thank you.
Tate: And threatening a pharmacist, by the way? That's a felony. Probably.

Sandra: So I read the date of the receipt for the Arizona iced tea and remembered that I had sold it seven months ago.
Amy: Right, 'cause you have that awesome memory where you don't forget anything.
Sandra: I have highly superior autobiographical memory, like Marilu Henner.
Stuart: Oh.
Sandra: Anyway, I remembered selling the same man a pack of tube socks back on March 29th, so I searched the loyalty card database and there he was. Stuart Mitchell.