Sandra: I know this is a weird time, but my birthday's on Friday, and it's gonna be at Dave and Buster's. I'll just email you the details.

Dina: What's wrong?
Garrett: Nothin', I'm cool. Just chillin'.
Dina: So weird.
Garrett: You're the weird one! You're so weird that nobody even can tell how weird you really are 'cause you make weird normal! If there was a day that you acted normal, now that would be weird, right? Right? Oh, oh, okay. I'm the crazy one? Maybe so. I am yelling in public, which is not something I normally do, completely out of character, possibly a little crazy! [to a customer] Can I help you, Turtleneck? You need some help? Now, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my car listening to yacht rock and eating two Take 5s to calm myself down! Whoo!

Jonah: It's like watching a mummy unwrap itself.
Amy: I mean, how long can this go on for, really?
Jonah: Oh, she'll... she'll get there. Oh, nope, nope, she's going in the wrong direction now.
Amy: Come on, Myrtle.
Jonah: Oh, this could take a while.

Jonah: I can't believe you guys do this every year.
Amy: Well, corporate tells us to clean out Lost and Found every January, but they never tell us how.
Garrett: We used to give it to charity, but then Goodwill told us not to leave our trash on their loading dock.
Dina: Hurry up, Sandra. It's not like you're gonna find a man in there.
Sandra: Please, hold on, last year I ended up with a broken comb. I just need one second.
Dina: Boo! Three, two, one.
Sandra: Ah!
Amy: And Sandra's got an old pair of dentures, yes! [applause]
Garrett: A lot of good stuff in there this year.

Glenn: Oh, hey, uh, Tate, you're basically a doctor, right?
Tate: Even better, I'm a pharmacist. Doctor to the doctors.
Glenn: Oh, close enough, anyway I...
Tate: Do I regret not going for the big M-D? Not usually, sometimes. Yeah, when I'm laying in my tanning bed alone with my thoughts... sometimes.

Glenn: Hey, anyway, um, I wanted to ask you a question.
Tate: Sure.
Glenn: Okay, I always thought depression was this thing that housewives invented so they could take extra naps, but you don't think that people around here could have it, do you?
Tate: Well, there are lots of employees here on antidepressants.
Glenn: What? Who?
Tate: Glenn, you know I can't tell you that.
Glenn: Well, how many?
Tate: [clears throat] About 20. 13 women, 7 men. Now, I can't give you names, but it's mostly the uggos. Doesn't really narrow it down.
Glenn: You know, I do volunteer work at this children's ward, and there's a guy who dresses up as a clown and goes around cheering up the kids. Maybe that would work? They say laughter's the best medicine.
Tate: The best medicine is penicillin. At least it used to be. With all these superbugs now, we might all be dead in ten years, so I guess laughter's as good as anything.
Glenn: Okay.

Mateo: Oh, God. Cargo shorts?

Jonah: A journal. All right, what do we got here? A lot of boobs.

Jonah: Wow, that actually looks really nice.
Mateo: Someone left that here?
Amy: Ooh, this kind of works on me.
Mateo: Yeah, it's great, if you wanna wear a man's jacket and look like a man. Hey, everyone, look at that man wearing that man's jacket. Get used to it 'cause you're gonna hear it a lot.
Amy: Hey, Mateo, would you like to swap this leather jacket for your cargo shorts?
Mateo: What? No. Are you sure? 'Cause I don't care. But, you know, if... if you want, I mean, yeah.
Amy: If you're gonna be a little bitch about it.
Mateo: Thank you so much.

Garrett: Hey, Dina, uh, I can't work on Thursday, but Brett said he'd cover for me, so could you change the schedule?
Dina: Oh, boy, here we go. Cue Garrett being weird.
Garrett: What? No, I'm just... I can't work on Thursday, so...
Dina: Do you even hear yourself right now? Wow.