Dina: This doesn't seem Christmas-y.
Mateo: So the idea there is post-apocalyptic Christmas. Like, what if the Grinch had succeeded in conquering Whoville and Cindy Lou Who grew up, got boobs, and was leading a resistance? Like, not that exactly, but in that area.
Dina: [scoffs] I don't want to be insulting, but are we sure that idea is not just pure gay nonsense?
Mateo: [clears throat] Dina, I am trying to give you something original, something that will make ugly Denise want to walk into the ocean. Can you please just trust me?
Dina: Honestly, that's gonna be tough. I've always had this weird thing about people with glasses. When I was younger, a nearsighted man bit me. You know what? It's a long story. I-I got hep A. I'm okay now, but... [sighs] All right, let's see what else you got.
Mateo: Okay, this next outfit answers the question, what if Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast was a hot tween?

Dina: And Kevin knew they were gonna rob Mr. Duncan's toy store, so he threw a rock through the window.
Mateo: I can't believe his mom forgot him again. Ugh. You know, some women just shouldn't be parents. There, I said it.

Mateo: So then you just decided to go with this setup? Hmm. Okay.
Dina: What what's wrong with it? It's the tree, isn't it? The tree sucks, right? Sandra picked out the tree.
Sandra: It's October, so there weren't a lot of choices.
Dina: [chuckles mockingly]
Mateo: It's just feeling very 2003 Sears strip mall, if that makes any sense.
Dina: Uh, that makes perfect sense.
Mateo: I would just make it less bad, if that makes any sense.
Dina: Uh-huh.
Mateo: Like, what if Miracle on 34th Street took place on the first day of the L.A. riots?
Dina: Let's find out.

Photographer: Okay, everyone, let's try some big smiles on this one, all right? Big smiles, everyone. [camera shutter clicks] Dina, would you like to smile for this one?
Dina: No.
Glenn: Dina, please.
Dina: Smiling would insinuate that I support what's happening right now, which I truly do not.
Glenn: Oh, so documenting the way our child is coming into this world is wrong?
Dina: We have to document it by dressing up as Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Jerusha: It's my favorite show, and Glenn is such a Theodore.
Glenn: Yeah, I'm not a star. I'm more supportive, and, of course, Jerusha is such a Simon.
Jerusha: Well, I wear contact lenses now.
Photographer: Hey, guys, I'm sorry. We have 15 minutes left in the session, so we're gonna need to... Okay, sorry, Dill.
Glenn: All right, look, Dina, just smile, and I'll give you 50 bucks.
Dina: Fine. But I want to be Theodore.
Glenn: Fine! I'll be stupid Alvin who can't follow rules and always gets everyone in trouble.
Photographer: Okay. Big smiles, everyone. [camera beeps, shutter clicks] Dina, you could show less teeth.
Dina: You get none or all of them, Dill. Pick a speed.

Glenn: I never thought of myself as photogenic, but Dill really knows how to strengthen a collapsed chin.
Garrett: So, in this one, you guys are chefs waiting to eat the baby?
Glenn: Yeah, but it's just a goof. We don't really want to eat it. This one's a mystery. Who's really the pregnant one?
Garrett: I'm sorry, hold up. I got to go back. Wouldn't the chefs be preparing the food, not waiting to eat it?
Glenn: Well, there... Dina... Maybe Dina's a new chef, and we're taste-testing to see if we'd hire her.
Garrett: And if you don't like the taste of the baby...
Glenn: I don't know. We throw it away?
Cheyenne: What, you'd throw your half-eaten baby in the trash?
Glenn: Okay, I don't know! We didn't really talk about it!

Dina: Make sure to highlight my elbows. They're my best feature.
Mateo: Why didn't you just get Glenn's photographer to take your Christmas card photo while you were there?
Dina: He was supposed to, but then he got a call from his wife something about a house fire? I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. I-I just want a card that will blow my ugly sister Denise's card out of the water.
Sandra: The one with restless leg syndrome?
Dina: That's not what makes her ugly, Sandra. That's what makes her legs restless.

Sandra: I haven't heard from my parents since the volcano. I'm starting to get a little worried.
Cheyenne: You're so lucky. Bo's mom calls, like, all the time.

Justine: Sarah, Sayid... Amy's throwing a baby shower, and none of were invited.
Sayid: What the hell, Amy?
Amy: Sayid, you started, like, two days ago.
Justine: Well, I'm having a pool party this weekend, and you're not invited. Sarah, Sayid, you coming to my pool party?
Sayid: I don't want to go. I want to go to Amy's baby shower.
Cheyenne: She doesn't want us!

Mateo: Yes, now just reach out and touch the polar bear, okay? You're not afraid. He just ate a seal so he's not gonna eat you.
Dina: Like- Like this?
Mateo: Yes! [camera shutter clicks] Ah, now try smiling, but only using your eyes and ears. Yes, bitch! You are killing it. Oh! Okay. [sighs] What do you think?
Dina: [laughs] Wow. These pictures make me jealous of everyone I've ever had sex with.
Mateo: Mm-hmm.
Dina: What do you think? Should we take a couple more? I'm very comfortable with nudity.

Sandra: What's your hand size?
Amy: Uh, w-why?
Sandra: Well, I've been getting into making fancy lady gloves lately. I think I have one I can show you.
Amy: Oh, uh-
Justine: For my gift, I don't think I can fit your entire name on a piece of rice, but I do think I can probably get an A on there.
Cheyenne: Or just give her three pieces of rice.
Amy: No, guys, all of this sounds like a lot of work for what is, again, a small, fast, quick, little, not-big-deal shower. So you guys can just grab something off the registry, anything doesn't even matter what. It's like, I think there's still a car seat on there.
Sandra: Here it is.
Amy: Oh.
Sandra: Just imagine your hand in it.