Dr. Kelso: Bar codes? What the hell is this, a supermarket? That's a human being, for god's sake.
Dr. Cox: Listen, old prospector, I know that any new machine scares you, but here's the well-held secret. You know that box that records your favorite television shows? There isn't a demon inside of it.
Dr. Kelso: Then how does it know what I like? I miss the good old days, when doctors and patients actually got to know each other. You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse was just considered polite chitchat.
Turk: Yes, the good old days. Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor, but could live out his lifelong dream of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments. Yes, things were much better back then.
Dr. Kelso: See? Turkleton gets it.

Dr. Cox: Hi, boys and girls. Anybody admit to anything yet? [Cole stops Lucy from raising her hand] Here's what I'm gonna do. If someone doesn't tell me who did it, I'm gonna make you all retake the test. It's gonna be a new test. It's gonna be ten times as hard. It's not just gonna be on medicine. It's going to be on everything. Baseball statistics, North Dakota high schools, the geography of a made-up fantasy world I like to call Coxatopia. That's a magic land where the rivers run of scotch and hordes of pigs feed on the bones of cheating med students.

Dr. Cox: Please tell me you've got some good news for me on this godforsaken day.
Turk: She's still refusing steroids. I don't get it. What are we missing?
Dr. Kelso: As usual, you are missing the point. She walked in off the street, and you didn't take the time to find out anything about her. She could be anybody, a princess or a terrorist or a hot lesbian.
Dr. Cox: Bob, she is a hot lesbian.
Dr. Kelso: I knew one day that example would make sense.
Turk: And we did talk to her.
Dr. Kelso: About her condition, but not about what makes her tick. [chuckles] You see, in the old days, when we knew everything about a patient, their decisions never surprised you. You find out more about that young lady, I bet you'll find the answer.

Denise: Come on, what would Carla say if she found out that you'd already been married once before?
Turk: Yo, whoa! Whoa! Don't even joke like that. If that gets back to Carla, I'm a dead man. [laughs] Talking about me being married before Carla.
Sheila: Dr. Turk, you were married before?
Turk: We're talking here. That's one of Carla's girlfriends. I can't have that. This is just as bad as if I were to call Carla bitchy.
Sheila: You think Carla's bitchy?
Turk: No! I didn't say- Sheila! Just take your butt to where it needs to be and stay there!

Lucy: [on the phone] Mom, I love that you're proud of me, but I'm not a doctor yet. You can't keep giving my number out to women in your church group and saying I'll help them. I can't.
Cole: Oh, hey. Tell your mom the cookies she made are ridic!
Lucy: Yes, that's him. It means "ridiculous." No. There's no reason to shorten that word. Look, I-I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up]
Cole: Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?
Lucy: No, she's crazy about you.
Cole: Aw, see you're lying! You're chewing on your hair. Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. A'ight, you chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're gonna yell at me, and you get a far-off look in your eyes when you narrate In your head.
Lucy: [v.o.] Even though Cole and I were clicking-
Cole: There it is!
Lucy: Stop noticing things I do!

Denise: Hey, before you go study, I need your help. I have a patient who had to pee on a ski lift, so she pulled her pants down and her butt froze to the seat, and when she got off, she lost most of the skin on her ass.
Drew: What's the question?
Denise: Can I laugh at that?
Drew: That depends. Is she within earshot?
Denise: No.
Drew: Well, it's funny. [laughs] No butt skin.
Denise: I lied. She's right behind you.
Drew: What? Ouch.

Drew: You can be a big fish at home, and then you get to med school and everybody's brilliant.
Cole: Man, you brainiacs think you have it tough? My 'rents made me go to med school because everyone on my dad's side is a doctor. Okay, on my mom's side, everyone is a bounty hunter. I don't know why I couldn't go to school for that.

Lucy: Everyone in my entire family Is counting on me to become a doctor. And just in case I forget that fact, My mom calls me every eight minutes to check in.
Drew: I feel the pressure, too. Not so much from my parents Mostly because they think I'm dead. [inhales deeply] All right, movin' on. The nervous system. [chuckles]

Denise: Happy test day. You know, I'll be there, so don't mess it up.
Drew: Crap, I'm already late.
Denise: Wait. Breakfast.
Drew: Strawberry frosting? Nice.
Denise: Hey, you got fruit, dairy, enough sugar for a month. What else you need?
Drew: Spoon.
Denise: Use your fingers, Queen Elizabeth.

Todd: Sorry, dog. Already called shotgun on the lesbian.
Turk: You can't call shotgun on a person.
Todd: All right, then. Dibs.
Turk: Damn it! Dibs works. Todd, I'll let you run point on this, but you gotta be cool.
[later:]
Todd: Hi, I'm Dr. Lesbian, I'll be your lesbian.
Turk: I got it from here, Todd. I said I've got it from here, Todd.