Drew: Excuse me, Dr. Dorian. Sorry I missed your class. Can I get the notes?
J.D.: No. Actually, Drew, you can't. And I'm gonna e-mail the whole class and ask them not to share their notes with you. Then tomorrow, we'll have a quiz on it.
Drew: That seems excessive, but okay. What was the lecture on?
J.D.: I don't remember, Drew. It was twenty minutes ago.

Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I know, I know. It's just that Cox is draping himself over that kid like a cheap hussy. And then I have to find you and Perry canoodling in that sports-themed tavern pretending you like beer.
Turk: Well, we're not pretending. We actually like beer.
J.D.: Oh, stop it, Turk. It's me. I just feel like I'm being replaced.
Turk: That'll never happen. Do you wanna know why?
J.D.: Tell me this instant.
Turk: Because you're John "Damn" Dorian.
J.D.: You're right. I am John "Damn" Dorian.
Turk: You John "Damn" right, you are! Now gimme a chest bump.
J.D.: Yeah, but don't flex 'cause it'll knock the wind out of me. See? Can't breathe.

Denise: I'm sorry, white bread. I'm not currently looking for a protégé/suck-up.
Lucy: Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up. If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes. Which I do, by the way. They're mannish, yet flirty. Like, "Hey, boys. Come watch me build a deck." Look, I just really, really want to shadow you. Please?
Dr. Cox: Gurney.
Lucy: What?
[Lucy lands on a patient's gurney]
Lucy: Oh. Uh, I think I'm on your tube.
Man: That's how I eat.
Lucy: Sorry!

Denise: How you feeling today?
Mrs. Maroney: Well, I have my up days and down days. Some weeks I have more up days than down days. Like last week, I had four up days, one down day. I was like, "whoo-hoo! Let's have a party!" But today I think I could really use a hug.
Denise: Lucy! I changed my mind. You can start shadowing me by hugging Mrs. Maroney.
Lucy: Okay, Dr. Mahoney. Wait a second Maroney, Mahoney. That is so funny.
Denise: Yeah, not as I understand funny.

Turk: Look, you gotta remember, you're John "Damn" Dorian. So think about it. What would John "Damn" Dorian do? W.W.J.D.D.D.D.?
Patient: Was that too many D's?
Turk: Why are you awake?!
Dr. Bradley: This thing is so complicated.

Turk: You're not gonna help him out, huh? Kinda sucks. I thought you wanted to be a good teacher.
J.D.: During the day, I'm a good teacher, But right now I'm ready for a little Magnum P.I. crustache. I'm gonna be Magnum P.I., and you're gonna be black Higgins.
Turk: You should talk to Dr. Cox.

Turk: What the hell are you wearing?
J.D.: I'm showing my Owl Cat spirit. If it's not enough, I have wings and talons in the car.
Turk: Is that glitter? Hell, no!
J.D.: It came with the makeup kit. I don't have to use it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Today.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of god, Francine!
Turk: I gotta go get the tickets at will-call. Please don't let him put the glitter on.
Dr. Cox: I've never heard that sentence uttered about another man.

Denise: Lucy, you still want to shadow me?
Lucy: More than horses love rainbows!
Denise: Let's go. Too close.