‘My White Whale’
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired October 23, 2003
The residents encounter problems now they've got their own interns. J.D.'s desire to be liked by his interns means they don't respect him. Elliot is afraid of standing up to Dr. Kelso after he berates one of her interns. Meanwhile, as Jordan and Dr. Cox search for a pediatrician for Jack, they find a doctor who's even more obnoxious than Perry.
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: Okay, tough guy. Good night! [the pen mark remains] What the!? Maybe I diluted this too much.
[The Janitor wipes his cloth on Doug's ear]
Doug: [screams]
Janitor: Eh, can't blame the cleanser.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Hello, David. I've been expecting you.
Dr. Norris: Agh!
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I just thought I'd come by and play with some of your stuffed animals. And, I know, I know, they're "for the kids", heh. Also, wanted to let you know that I will be bringing my son by this morning.
Dr. Norris: Yeah, I don't think so, there, chief. Where's Mr. Cookiepants?
Dr. Cox: Oh, que pasa?
Dr. Norris: I said, where's Mr. Cookiepants!?
Dr. Cox: He's in a safe place, Dave.
Dr. Norris: If you touch one hair on his head, I swear to God I'll inject your kid with chickenpox!
Dr. Cox: No, you won't.
Dr. Norris: I know. For God's sakes, it's an innocent doll!
Dr. Cox: No, David. It's a collectible.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: The kid's a good doctor, he just falls apart every time Kelso looks over his shoulder.
Sean: Well, why don't you just tell Kelso to back off?
Elliot: I-I've taken a lot of positive steps this year but when it comes to standing up to Kelso, I just I can't get over that hump yet. He's like my white whale.
Sean: Yeah. Mine's Frank.
Elliot: Oh, no, I meant like in 'Moby Dick'. Kelso is a giant pain in my ass.
Sean: Oh. Well, thing is, I love Frank. Just he can drive me crazy every now and then.
Quote from J.D.
Sean: Hey, J.D.? I was thinking we'd start out by me, you know, watching how you interact with your interns. Uh, and then, your brain's gonna tell you to be a little self-conscious, but you just need to ignore the voice in your head.
J.D.: [v.o.] Kick him in the crotch and run.
J.D.: I'll try, Sean!
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: You be nice to the teacher, okay? I'm sleeping with him. Oh, my God! I haven't said that since college!
Quote from Jordan
Dr. Cox: Norris hasn't budged, and he just moved the appointment back to six, the rat-bastard!
Jordan: Watch your language in front of the kid, you stupid mickey-fickey! You see, I am adapting. You, on the other hand, are behaving like a complete lunatic.
Quote from Carla
Jordan: Carla? You're one of them bossy-pants types who always tells people their problems whether they ask for it or not, right?
Carla: I like to think I've learned when to hold back.
Jordan: You're in.
Carla: You've totally lost sight of what's important, here. You are a parent now, okay? You don't come first anymore.
Jordan: No.
Carla: You've got to do what's best for your son, even if it means sucking up to the one doctor on earth who's more obnoxious than you are. Oh, my God. I loved doing that so much, it makes my hand shake a little!
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic, sport. But that's the brachial artery and it's not how we draw blood. Now, if we need to inject him with heroin, you'll be the first one I call.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Dr. Reid? Do you have something to say?
Elliot: No.
Dr. Kelso: You know, son, you remind me of her so much, you're just a break-down in the supply closet away from being the same person!
Quote from Turk
Turk: Think about it, man. Dr. Cox has taught you the most since you've been here, right? Do you really think he gives a damn whether you like him or not?
J.D.: I'd like to think so.
Dr. Cox: Out of my way, space-waster!
Turk: I felt the love.
J.D.: [v.o.] Catch him and kick him in his junk!
Quote from Elliot
Dr. Kelso: That's horrible work. Horrible!
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I do have something to say. Remember earlier, you asked me if I had something to say?
Dr. Kelso: No!
Elliot: Well, you did. And the reason that I came back here is because you said that Bruce and I are alike. And you know what? You're right. Because you're treating him the exact same way you treated me when I first got here! Dr. Kelso, you only judge us by these, like, twenty-minute, pressure-filled windows that you see us through twice a week, and you- You never get to know us or how hard we really work. Because, if you did, you'd realize that a lot of the times when we we fail, it's not our fault. It's yours.