J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox and Jordan were still looking for a pediatrician.
Dr. Cox: This time, try not to scare off the doctor.
Jordan: I did not scare off the last guy!
Dr. Cox: You bit him.
Jordan: I tripped and my teeth hit his shoulder.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. And once that happened, did you clamp down a little bit? Jordan! Oh, you come on!
Jordan: Well, he had a bad attitude!

J.D.: [v.o.] In a hospital, lots of things last longer than you wish they would. Especially certain stupid relationships with stupid Sea World trainers who stole my stupid girl!
Sean: Well, I've, uh, I've got whales to train.
J.D.: [to himself] Stupid whales. [louder] Hey, Sean! Right on, brother!

Turk: Where the hell are my interns!?
J.D.: [v.o.] As third-year residents, you really have to stay on top of your interns.
Turk: These! Right here! You see these names!? They are called patients! This one needs brain work! This one needs a heart!
J.D.: This guy needs courage.
Turk: Helping or hurting, J.D.? Helping or hurting? The point is, they will live or die based on your lame-assed post-ops; so, please, people, shape the hell up!

J.D.: [v.o.] I decided to take a different tack with my interns.
J.D.: Look, guys, I'm not here to overwork ya, okay? I'm not- I'm not just your resident. I'm your buddy, I'm your go-to guy. I'm J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, my tack had its own drawbacks.
J.D.: But it is crucial I have everyone here at 9 a.m. sharp tomorrow, okay?
Brian: Oh, uh, is it cool if I come at 9:30?
J.D.: Absolutely. Anyone else need to be late?
Man: I can't. Bad for me.
J.D.: Okay, well, why don't we- Why don't we just make it 10, then? Okay? Break!
Seth: I can be here at 9.
J.D.: But I said 10!

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess everyone has their own style.
Elliot: Today for lunch, the cafeteria has... Bruce, name a manifestation of normal pressure hydrocephalus!
Bruce: Urinary incontinence!
Elliot: He-hell yes, Bruce! Go place a Foley cath. on Bed 4!

Dr. Cox: I think, Dr. Norris, what we're looking for is someone who's not too alarmist but also not too lax, either.
Dr. Norris: Oh, God, please let that someone be me!
Jordan: Look, you're obviously a little busy with your doll.
Dr. Norris: My doll? [laughs] It's a collectible.
Jordan: Someone's gonna get his ass bit!

J.D.: Hey, Carla? Hey. I had to redo the NG tube one of your nurses put on Mrs. Hemmel, so if you could spread the word to leave that to me and my guys, it would be great.
Carla: Oh, no problem, Bambi. Oh! But the reason my nurses had to do that is because none of your interns know how. So if you keep flapping your mouth without knowing all the facts, I'm gonna see if I can fit my foot in it!
J.D.: Okay. Good talk!

J.D.: Brian? You know how to place an NG tube, don't you?
Brian: You did it for me both times.
J.D.: Jimmy, didn't you do one yesterday?
Jimmy: No, you let me go home 'cause I forgot to set my TiVo for the Styx Behind the Music?
J.D.: Do not miss that! It's awesome! Seth?
J.D.: [v.o.] That was when I realized what I'd turned my interns into.
[fantasy: A trio of monkeys in scrubs]

Elliot: Bruce, this is gonna be your third Foley cath. in a row! You can do this. You didn't need to page me seventeen times between the time I bought the rum-raisin muffin and then threw it away because alcoholism runs in my family.

Bruce: After this morning, I just wanted to make sure that I really have this down. [beatboxes]
Elliot: What are you doing?
Bruce: It's just a nervous habit. It helps me concentrate.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know what helps me concentrate?
Bruce: Me not doing that?
Elliot: No, bunnies.