Jordan: Tell your Daddy what you just did.
Jack: I made a poopy in the potty.
Dr. Cox: You know, son, as a doctor, I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop. And I'm not going to lie to you, Jackie, it gets old. Now that's, that's not to say I haven't enjoyed the last three years of waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies. Besides, you're gonna do the same thing for me some day real soon. And yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and that time Wayne Gretzky said, "What's up" to me in line at the bank, you being out of diapers is the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. It truly is. Now why don't you go into your room and play for a little while because your mom and I, we're going to celebrate up here grown-up style.

Kim: So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis. It's basically a hardening of your foreskin. As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week.
J.D.: [v.o.] Help the poor kid out.
J.D.: Wow, five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back.
J.D.: [v.o.] He said in front of his future girlfriend.
J.D.: You know what? I should probably mosey.
[J.D. gets caught in a hospital curtain sending him tripping into the X-Ray viewer, which he smashes with his head.]
J.D.: [groans] Looking forward to our date.
[J.D. turns around is struck by a swinging door]
Kim: See you around 6:00. Wear something slutty. Zoom-zoom-zoom!
J.D.: That's mine.

J.D.: We are not going to the mall, Elliot. I was going to make you dinner and then go to karaoke, but I'm not sure how to do both in the same night. Unless, of course...
Elliot: J.D., not Floating Head Doctor.
J.D.: Too late. I'm already there.
[fantasy: J.D.'s body cracks an egg, missing the bowl, and puts a steak in the dishwasher]
J.D.: [v.o.] Body could stay home and prepare the feast. And as always... Head would handle entertainment.
[J.D.'s hold floats next to Kim as she sings at a karaoke bar]
Kim: [singing] Don't go breaking my heart
J.D.: [singing] I couldn't if I tried
Both: [singing] Oh, honey if I get restless
Kim: Stop hogging the mic!
J.D.: Body, come!
[J.D.'s body, whose arm is on fire, runs to the karaoke bar and jumps off staff, injuring a group of patrons][Crowd]
J.D.: Stupid body. I gotta do everything myself.
[J.D.'s head headbutts Kim off the stage]
J.D.: [singing] Ooh-hoo, nobody knows it. Clap with me, clap with me! Nobody knows...
[reality:]
J.D.: Head loves karaoke.

Elliot: I'd help, but I'm planning a baby shower for Carla. I am going to make this cafeteria look totally different.
Ted's band: [sings] Baby, baby, Baby, ooohI want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back I want my baby back, baby back Chili's Baby back ribs I want my baby back ribs Barbecue sauce I want my baby back, baby back Chili's
Elliot: Ted, what the hell?
Ted: It's the only song we know with "baby" in it.
Elliot: I want my money back.
Crispin: What money?
Ted: What? I lost my house. Give me a break.

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, interns. Notice the definition in the upper calf. Look at it, damn it! See that? Back in 'Nam, the choppers would just hover about eight feet above my head and I'd jump in. You should've seen the look on Charlie's face. Not the enemy, son, the pilot, Charlie Ross. Great guy. He didn't make it back. Where's the cake?
Lisa: Eight feet? I don't believe it.
[Dr. Kelso jumps backwards up onto a table]
Dr. Kelso: Believe that, missy.

Turk: Why not take her to your deck? You guys can just lie out and look at the stars.
J.D.: Unfortunately, I can't. My deck has become sort of a cruising spot for older gay gentlemen.
[flashback to J.D. turning up at his crowded deck as disco music plays:]
J.D.: Get off my porch, you old queens. Who's is this? Who's is this? You find somewhere else to hang out! I know for a fact Les Mis is in town!
[present:]
J.D.: I tried turning my hose on them, but they liked it.

Carla: Oh, thank you. Is this for when we buy the baby a dog?
Janitor: No. It's a baby cage. It's a good one, too. See, when I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows. It's perfect. If you go out for dinner, it's already got like a water bottle in there, so you just throw some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop, you're made in the shade. I'm kidding! It's for when they buy the baby a, uh, puppy.
All: Oh! [laughter]

Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo. You want to weigh in on pregnancy sex?
Dr. Kelso: It's a freak show.
Dr. Cox: You've seen an ultrasound. They have eyes, they have hands. How do you think they're going to react to an intruder?
[Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso both grunt as they make a grabbing & pulling gesture]
Turk: The baby can't grab me down there. [to Carla] The baby can't grab me down there?
Carla: No, baby.

Turk: [sings as Neil Diamond] Everywhere around the world They're coming to America

Dr. Cox: Could I, uh, could I have everybody's attention, please. Jordan's pregnant.
Elliot: You get over here, you!
Jordan: Not a hug moment, sweetie.
Elliot: Right. Yes. No.
Dr. Cox: [high-pitched voice, holding a pencil] But Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies. [normal] We were, but my vasectomy didn't take which, apparently, is not that uncommon. [high-pitched voice] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off. [normal voice] Yes, it did. What is, what is your name? [high-pitched voice] Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and/or any baby-related issues. [normal voice] Isn't that nice? [snaps pencil] This morality play was made possible by a grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation.