J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the thing I can do is to think of someone I look up to, and remember how they got through to me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know. Here it's a conundrum.

J.D.: Nurse Roberts, have you seen Josh?
Nurse Roberts: The tall skinny one? He quit.
Carla: Nice job, Bambi.
J.D.: I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't.
Nurse Roberts: You don't have to apologize to me. You will have to answer to Jesus.

J.D.: Put your gloves on, Josh. I need you to get an ABG.
Josh: I can't.
J.D.: Newbie, wait.
Carla: "Newbie"?
J.D.: Shut up. Look, Josh, you're the only one who knows whether you wanna be a doctor or not. But right now I kinda got my hands full. OK? So what do you say you put some gloves on, Shirley, and get the hell in here? Now, locate the radial pulse. Josh, look at me. You can do this.
Carla: It looks good.
Josh: No way.
J.D.: What do you want, a cookie? Go put your scrubs on and get back here. Go, go, go!

Josh: Dr. Dorian, I know what you're trying to do. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.
J.D.: Why would anyone feel sorry for you?
Josh: Look at me, I'm clumsy, I'm always throwing up, I don't even have an ass!
J.D.: But Josh, those are the same things I was dealing with when I started here. Except for the ass part. I actually have a great ass. It's firm like mutton.

Dr. Kelso: Morning, doctors.
Turk: Morning, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, Mrs. Winston, it's back to the home for you. [sniffs]
J.D.: Elliot, that is disgusting.
Turk: Seriously, Elliot.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, I think you should consider a change in diet.
Elliot: I hate you guys. I hate you, I hate you.

Dr. Kelso: I'm. Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine. Now, I want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because I promise you, we're a family here. Okay, let's go get 'em, doctors.
Elliot: They're actually buying it.
J.D.: "The Devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist."

Josh: Just remember to breathe, and you'll get through the day.
J.D.: Josh?
Josh: Hi, I'm Dr. Dorian. I know what this looks like, but...
J.D.: Don't worry about it. I do that all the time.
Josh: Really? Do you ever part your hair on the wrong side just to see what you look like to other people?
J.D.: [chuckles] No.
Josh: It totally messes everyone up.
J.D.: So do you have any questions before we get started?
Josh: Yeah, what's the babe situation like here?
J.D.: Easy, tiger.
Josh: [growls]
J.D.: Oh, boy.

Elliot: Philip, I'm going to need you to shave this patient's groin so I can place a femoral triple-lumen.
Philip: Yeah, I'm not so much with the "shavin' a guy's curlies".
Elliot: It's your call, Phil. Of course, if you do get just one bad evaluation from me, it'll go ahead and torch your class rank, so I'd suggest you do what I tell you. And if I ask you to shave a groin, I think you should thank your lucky stars that I said "shave".
Philip: [to the patient] I'll tell you what. I'll lather you up, and you start thinking about baseball. Huh. Natural redhead.

Dr. Cox: Looks like you won the med student raffle there, pal.
Turk: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Introduce me.
Turk: Excuse me? Next time we're face to face, you give me her name and then you tell her my name, or you go her name, my name, my name, her name. Whatever you're more comfortable with.
Turk: No, you like Carla.
Dr. Cox: Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out? Fine. Then I'm gonna go ahead and continue to focus all my energies on Carla. Listening, watching waiting.

Carla: Relax. It's just one mistake.
J.D.: Yes, Carla! They're each one mistake, but when you put 'em all together, it makes, like, four million mistakes.
Carla: Did you just snap at me? Because I think he just snapped at me.
J.D.: I'm sorry.
Carla: Yeah, you are.
J.D.: Carla, I gotta go home.
Nurse Roberts: Hold it, Q-Tip. You have to co-sign all these orders, fill out a vascular consult on bed three and get a tox screen for Mrs. O'Brien.
J.D.: No, no, but Josh did all this.
Nurse Roberts: Uh-uh, honey, I don't think so.
[fantasy: J.D. Hulks out:]
J.D.: Mrs. O'Brien, I'm afraid I'm gonna need a urine sample.