Turk: Listen up, kid. Lesson number one: All surgical interns? They're dogs.
Kristen: Not a problem.
Todd: Hey, baby.
Kristen: Besides, this kind of overbearing machismo is usually just compensation for a lap-pinkie.
Turk: Oh, that's cold!
Todd: What the hell just happened?
Dr. Cox: Don't worry about it. It's all good in the 'hood.

J.D.: Okay, you're gonna do H & Ps, write admission orders- What are you doing?
Josh: Oh, I can't really walk and write at the same time. It makes me nauseous.
J.D.: [v.o.] A famous doctor once said, "Show me a med student that only triples my work and I'll kiss his feet."

Carla: Relax, Bambi. Be nice to Thumper.
J.D.: He wrote "The guy sweats when he exercises."
Patient: I do.
J.D.: I'll call Ripley's!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, say hello to Whitaker Chambers.
Elliot: What up?
Dr. Kelso: "What up"? Whitaker Chambers is the CEO of the corporation that owns this hospital, so I suggest you stop acting like LL Cool Reid and start acting like Dr. Reid. You dig?

Josh: Dr. Dorian? Dr. Dorian? [J.D. wakes up] Your roommate let me in. Ooh, cool dead dog. Can I pet him?
J.D.: [v.o.] Is he kidding?
Josh: I came by because I know I didn't do so great yesterday-
J.D.: What is it that tipped you off? Was it your inability to perform even the simplest task? I'll bet it was that I got home 20 minutes ago because I spent the entire night cleaning up after you.
Josh: I'm sorry. I was just really scared.
J.D.: You know what, Josh? You should be scared. Because I gotta be honest with you. I don't think you got what it takes. Do you? I didn't think so.

Turk: You know how men are always talking about themselves? Well, it turns out women like to talk about themselves more.
Dr. Cox: Thank you, sensei. You've touched me deeply.
Turk: You can be cynical all you want, but I'm telling you, get Kristen to talk about herself, it's on. It's on and poppin'. And if that doesn't work, do what I do.
Dr. Cox: Which is what exactly?
Turk: Show her the booty!
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. Oh, no. You put that away. Oh, think of the children. [whistles] Doctor!

Elliot: Philip, I was wondering if you could write out this discharge summary.
Philip: Oh, where's the fun?
Elliot: Excuse me?
Philip: From now on, when ever you're wondering whether I'll do something, just ask yourself, "Where's the fun?" I think it'll be a time-saver for both of us.
Elliot: You know what's sad, I'm betting that if you were really honest with yourself, you'd realize how unsatisfying it is to ride on your father's coattails.
Philip: Nah, I'm OK with it.

Dr. Cox: So, where you from?
Kristen: Chicago. You?
Dr. Cox: Pittsburgh. Family? Brothers, sisters?
Kristen: One older brother. You?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're gonna keep the focus on you. I thought I made that clear to you. Are your parents still together?
Kristen: Yep.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea how hard you're making this on me?
Kristen: No, but I'm kind of wondering if someone slipped something into my soda.
Carla: Oh, he has that effect on everyone the first couple of weeks.
Dr. Cox: I gotta go. We'll pick this up later.
Kristen: Pick what up?
Dr. Cox: [sighs]
[As Dr. Cox walks away, he lets his pants hang low]
Dr. Cox: What up, dawg?
Kristen: Not a strong move with the tighty-whities.

Elliot: Philip, if you're not going to help, get the hell out of my face and go wait for your trust fund to mature.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, can I see you a minute?
Elliot: Oh, my God. Dr. Kelso, I am so, so sorry. I just got so frustrated, plus I'm PMSing. Well, not exactly. The pill plays havoc with my cycle. I'm like [screams]
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? You talk too much. It's a problem. Now, why are you doing all of your med student's work?
Elliot: Well, his father-
Dr. Kelso: I hate his father. But I'm the one who has to suck up to him, not you. For God's sake, woman, show some cojones!

Elliot: Hello, Philip.
Philip: Lemon head.
Elliot: Yeah, I get it, because of the hair. Admittedly, I was kind of hard on you from the start, but, on the other hand, as I'm sure you know, you're an incredible tool. So I'll lay off if you drop the attitude, and we'll just start completely fresh. What do you say?
Philip: I don't wanna. But, if you've got a problem with that, go see my father.
Elliot: I think I'll do that.
Philip: Oh, wait, Dr. Reid. I had some time to think about it and, what the hell? Let's start fresh.
Elliot: Aw, Philly. I don't wanna.