Elliot: I'm getting married in a week. A week! I mean, what was I thinking being engaged for two months? My mom was engaged for three years. She had time to soul-search, to figure out if this was right, to sail around the world with an insatiable Pakistani oil baron. Why was I in such a hurry? Oh, wait, I'll answer that for you. Because I'm the biggest idiot in the whole entire world.

J.D.: I'm going through the same thing you are, except I'm also having a baby. So, imagine your situation multiplied by... What's a fair number, a hundred billion?
Elliot: Why is it so important to you that your freak-out is bigger than mine?
J.D.: I'm a story-topper, Elliot. You know that about me.
Elliot: When I was a kid, I had a friend like that who drove me crazy.
J.D.: When I was a kid, I also had a friend like that, except he snapped and started playing "hide the peanut butter" with my dog, Whiskers. You, my friend, have just been story-topped.
Elliot: I will kill you.

J.D.: How am I supposed to handle a relationship and a kid at the same time?
Elliot: I don't know. Dr. Cox and Jordan are totally dysfunctional, but they seem to make it work.
[meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jack are wearing matching outfits:]
Jordan: Wow, you guys look great! I'm gonna get the photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this!
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo.
Dr. Cox: Outstanding. Come.

Janitor: Okay, Incredibly Handsome Guy, you're about to marry Blonde Doctor. My gift to her is to train you to be a good husband.
Keith: Well, I think I'm okay.
Janitor: Really? Would you know what to do if she suddenly woke up and couldn't use vowels?
Keith: That's ridiculous.
Janitor: Is that what you're gonna say when she looks at you with those big blue eyes and cries out, "Tspwklmtsk"?

Janitor: Look, if I learnt one thing from my parents, it's this. The key to a good marriage is keeping your emotions bottled up until they finally explode and you have to lash out physically.
Keith: You mean, beat each other up?
Janitor: I mean beat yourself up. My mother once snapped her own index finger because my father was late for church. She dented the car, he threw himself down the stairs.

Elliot: You know, Keith is pretty incredible. I've never felt this loved in my entire life. Let's face it, Keith would walk through fire for me.
[meanwhile:]
Keith: Yeah, I'm not walking through fire to prove my love to Elliot.
Janitor: I find that a little suspect. Still, I suppose we could switch to some role-playing. Here's the scenario. You have just come home from work late, Blonde Doctor made your dinner, and she is angry because you didn't call ahead. Plus, you have brought along with you Lance, your gay ultimate Frisbee buddy, played by Todd.
Todd: I should probably take my pants off.
Janitor: No, wait for your cue. And Ted, you'll be playing Blonde Doctor. Get into character.
Ted: Okay, falling in love with you, long blonde hair, talking very fast, talking very fast, "frick-frick." Okay, I'm ready.

J.D.: [v.o.] It felt good to be holding the mother of my child.
Kim: This is nice.
J.D.: [v.o.] But given recent events, cuddling was as far as I was gonna go. Kim and I had to get to know each other again and build trust and.. Oh, my God, is that side-boob?
Kim: Careful with the side-boob, big guy. My hormones are going crazy. I might just pounce your skinny ass.
J.D.: Kim, I really don't think we should.
Kim: I won't, then. I got a giant boogie in my nose.
J.D.: [v.o.] Look at her saying "I won't" with a giant boogie in her nose. I must have her.

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I wonder what it'll be like having sex with a pregnant woman.
[later:]
J.D.: That was so cool. And weird!
Kim: Yeah, somebody else liked it, too. He's going crazy in there.
J.D.: And now it's disgusting.

Jordan: Sweetie, why would I get rid of him as godfather when you keep letting me know how much it bothers you?
J.D.: It's like he's never met you.
Jordan: Right?
J.D.: And I love Hope Floats.

J.D.: [v.o.] And then Jordan pushed Dr. Cox over the edge by calling their daughter, little Jennifer Dylan, this.
Jordan: Okay, come on, J.D.
J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Leave.
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: That goes for everyone! All living things.
[fantasy: a potted plant develops legs and runs away]
J.D.: This might not blow over.
Dr. Cox: Gotta hurt someone.