J.D.: I admitted this really neat old lady today.
Turk: Neat? Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back.
J.D.: We had this connection, you know?
Turk: No, I don't know. Now please, let me get my sweat on.
J.D.: [v.o.] Surgeons generally don't like to get too close to patients. Maybe it makes it harder to cut someone open, or too risky. I don't know.
J.D.: I feel like you're missing out. Like, this Mrs. Tanner, she's got this incredible energy and warmth.
Turk: Dude, the League of Women Voters called wanting to know where to send your membership.
J.D.: You're using that "somebody called" joke a lot.

Turk: I've got a hernia patient to take care of.
J.D.: What's his name?
Turk: Well, his name's Hernia Patient. But we've gotten close so I call him Hernia.
J.D.: He must feel so safe and taken care of.
Turk: Shut up.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso. Hi. I want to get your opinion on a patient? She's a 74-year-old renal failure, Mrs. Tanner.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course. One of our frequent flyers. She's a neat lady.
J.D.: That's what I said.
Dr. Kelso: Nobody likes a brown nose, son.

Dr. Kelso: You put her on diuretics?
J.D.: Yeah, I ordered them.
Dr. Kelso: These labs don't look good. I think it's time she got started on dialysis. Oh, but you know what you should do first, kiddo?
J.D.: What's that?
Dr. Cox: Find her.
[fantasy: a siren wails as a security guard and a dog scour a perimiter fence. Mrs. Tanner emerges from a hole in the ground on the other side of the fence. She unfolds her walker and climbs out.]
Mrs. Tanner: Freedom!

Carla: What about you?
Elliot: I like to use sex as an ice-breaker.
Carla: Ah, and how's that working out for you?
Elliot: I guess I don't have what you would call high self-esteem.

Dr. Wen: Let me know when you find the hernia.
Turk: You got it.
Surgical Intern: We're so lost.
Turk: We are not lost.
Surgical Intern: Go left here.
Turk: It's right.
Surgical Intern: You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions.
Turk: You wanna drive this thing? 'cause I will pull... I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing.

[fantasy: J.D. playing Connect-Four with the grim reaper:]
Grim Reaper: I win.
J.D.: Where? I don't see.
Grim Reaper: Here, diagonally.
J.D.: Pretty sneaky, Death.

J.D.: You didn't tell them, did you?
Mrs. Tanner: It didn't come up. Look, they don't need that burden. Besides, and they'd just give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.
J.D.: Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down a few things I think everybody should do at least once in their life. OK, number one: eat a sausage and pepper hoagie from Enrico's.
Mrs. Tanner: I've done that.
J.D.: Number two: go to Asia.
Mrs. Tanner: [speaks Japanese]
J.D.: I'm going to take that as a yes. And I'll also check off "learn a foreign language".

Carla: What the hell happened to "I'll be right back"? I can't believe I actually started to think I'd been wrong about you. That woman needs her doctor to tell her something, anything, and you run away? Are you even gonna look at me?
Elliot: I've been deciding what drink to get. I've been standing here trying to choose between cherry soda and ginger ale, and you know what? It's a toss-up. I mean, either way I get a cold drink, right? And it would be impossible for me to kill someone with this decision but I still can't make it. I think I'm in trouble here.
Carla: Look... I don't think these kinds of decisions are easy for anyone. And if it's any consolation, one of the reasons I never liked you is you're already better than most of the doctors that come through here. And to be honest, I kinda liked being the only smart, strong chick in the joint.
Elliot: You sort of just complimented me.
Carla: A little bit.
Elliot: OK, I'm gonna have a ginger ale.
Carla: Good start.
Elliot: That clot isn't going anywhere on its own, so let's push the thrombolytics.

J.D.: Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Mrs. Tanner: Done.
J.D.: Fine. Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, now you're making stuff up.
J.D.: No, I'm not. It's right here. You can look at it.