J.D.: [v.o.] So they say that one out of every three patients admitted to this place will die here. But some days, the odds are worse than that.
J.D., Elliot & Turk: I'm really sorry.
J.D.: [v.o.] And on days like that, I guess the best thing you can hope for is that you took something from it.
Turk: [to a patient] Hey, I'm Turk.
J.D.: [v.o.] Anything.
Elliot: BP's 120 over 80. Let's keep it that way.
J.D.: [v.o.] Anything at all. Even if it's just taking the time to lie on the grass and think about all the things you still have left to do.

Mrs. Tanner: You probably want these people to wait outside.
J.D.: That'd be nice.
Mrs. Tanner: Make 'em know you're a man, not a boy.
J.D.: Uh, would you guys mind-
Gina Tanner: I'm fine where I am, thank you.
Tommy Tanner: Make me.
Mrs. Tanner: Do it.
J.D.: Everybody outta here, now!
Gina Tanner: No need to wake up the dead.
Tommy Tanner: Jeez, snippy.
J.D.: Now!
Mrs. Tanner: Now, that was manly.
J.D.: Right, that's what I'm talking about.
Mrs. Tanner: Want a hard candy?
J.D.: Yes, please.

Turk: I'd say this is a simple laparoscopic hernia repair.
David Morrison: See, this is embarrassing, you guys are wearing the same outfit. Don't sweat it. I'm not wearing pants. [chuckles] Oh, come on, that was funny.
Dr. Wen: Great. Moving on.
David Morrison: Where you going? ESPN Classic's showing the '82 NFC championship. It's the Catch. We could have some nurses over.

Elliot: I called down and requested a Spanish-speaking nurse. So, no English, huh? I'm a chunky monkey from funky town.
Carla: I'm going to have a little trouble translating that.
Elliot: Oh, good. It's you.

Elliot: I paged Dr. Cox and he should be here any second.
Carla: [translates into Spanish]
Mrs. Guerrero: [responds in Spanish]
Elliot: What did she say?
Carla: Oh, she says she thinks it's amazing that your fancy private school didn't teach you any Spanish, considering that a third of your patients speak it as a primary language.
Elliot: Oh, yeah, like every doctor here speaks Spanish!
Dr. Cox: [enters, introduces himself in Spanish]

David Morrison: It's the Catch. I say "Catch," no response. How can no one know what the Catch is?
Turk: Niners-Cowboys. Joe Montana to Dwight Clark, deep in the end zone, zero time left. Kid, please. Don't insult me.
David Morrison: Hey, come on, man. It's the fourth quarter. You got a minute?
Turk: Sure.
David Morrison: Cool.
Turk: David, right? I'm Turk.
David Morrison: What's up? You want some IV?
Turk: No, I'm good.
David Morrison: You sure?

J.D.: Mrs. Tanner.
Tommy Tanner: Here's the party.
J.D.: Look, I don't know how it's been with your other doctors, but when you're under my care, you stay in hospital until I say it's OK to leave.
Mrs. Tanner: We saved you a plate.
J.D.: I don't care about food right now.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. Are those smores?
Mrs. Tanner: Look, it's Samantha's fifth birthday. Now, you're not gonna make me miss this, are you?
J.D.: Couldn't you have got her a big cake?

Elliot: I'm gonna order an ABG just to be safe. Don't you think?
Carla: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Elliot: Hey, teach me to tell her she's doing fine.
Carla: Um, okay. Say, Mrs. Guerrero, está progresando muy bien.
Elliot: Mrs. Guerrero, está progresando muy bien.
Mrs. Guerrero: Gracias.
Elliot: It worked!

J.D.: You know what, Mrs. Tanner...
Mrs. Tanner: Just until Samantha blows out her candles. What are you gonna wish for, honey? A bike?
Samantha Tanner: Nope.
Mrs. Tanner: A doll house?
Samantha Tanner: Nope.
J.D.: How about the ability to make quick decisions?
Samantha Tanner: Uh... Nope.
J.D.: How about this?
[fantasy: J.D. pushes Samantha's face into the cake]

Dr. Kelso: Hi, sport. I sure hope you're not using that phone to make a personal call.
Turk: No, actually that was David Morrison's father. He's a patient of mine. Dave's a good kid.
Dr. Kelso: Well, he sounds terrific. You two are becoming best pals, huh? Well, you know what we should do is the three of us play a game of stick ball.
Turk: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: Sure. All we need is a stick, a ball and a pocket full of dreams. Or we could take turns bowling your patient down the hallways of my hospital.
Turk: I can explain.
Dr. Kelso: Spare me.
Turk: Spare you. That's good, sir, 'cause of the bowling thing. You're not making a joke, are you?
Dr. Kelso: Not at the moment.
Turk: I just think he's a good kid and I really thought he needed a friend.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, your patients don't need friends, they need a doctor.