J.D.: So, you're going to want to rewrap the gauze when it gets soiled.
Jordan: Wow. Rewrap a dirty bandage. It's phenomenal how you doctors keep all this stuff in your head.
J.D.: You know, we don't. It says it right there on the box.
Ben: Look it, right there.

Elliot: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Jill Tracy: [on the phone] Tim, sweetie, I wouldn't have slept with someone else if I didn't love you so much.
Elliot: No, no, no, no, no! Stop! Hang up the phone!
Jill Tracy: Hold on one second. Hold on! Hi!
Elliot: Your last name is Tracy! Well, of course you know that your last name is Tracy. But what you don't know is there's a woman in 308 whose first name is Tracy. So I started thinking about your urine sample and how you always carry that water bottle with you and stay well-hydrated, which is why your pee is a much lighter color than most people's, and then I remember the sample that came back with your name on was bright yellow, and the other Tracy, well, she is not much of a water drinker, which is why I think her skin looks so pasty.
Jill Tracy: OK, sweetie, I'm going to need you to get to the point.
Elliot: You're not pregnant! The lab tech just switched the samples.
Jill Tracy: You're killin' me. [on the phone] Hey, sweetie, you know I was joking about all that stuff, right?

J.D.: [gasps] Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?
Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour-and-a-half worth of work around here, and the rest of the time, I track you, like an animal.
J.D.: You're kidding, right?
Janitor: [chuckles] I don't know. Am I?

Ted: Hey there, buddy! How is my best friend doing?
J.D.: You and I hardly know each other.
Ted: These aren't my words.
Dr. Kelso: [elevator dings] Hello, Dr. Dorian. Let's take a ride. So, word has it you've been doing a little fishing in these here parts, trying to catch yourself a big, old prize-winning mistake.
J.D.: No, sir, I just-
Dr. Kelso: I was sure your little buddy in Surgery would've shared with you my most important rule here at Sacred Heart. Tell him my most important rule, Ted.
Ted: Too much "ha-ha," pretty soon "boo-hoo."
Dr. Kelso: My other rule.
Ted: If you don't look for a mistake, you can't find one.
Dr. Kelso: That's right, Teddy bear. Now, stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient, and face the facts. [elevator dings] Remove him, Ted.
Ted: That "ha-ha" rule is true.

Dr. Bobb: What can I do you for?
J.D.: Hi, I was hoping that you could recheck Ben Sullivan's blood smear.
Dr. Bobb: Well that depends, young man. Do you actually think I made a mistake or do you just wish I did?
J.D.: I kind of wish you did.
Dr. Bobb: Then I'll do it.

Ben: You usually get uncomfortable hugging a guy right about now. [laughs]
Dr. Cox: Bring it, baby.
Ben: This isn't gonna end well for anyone. I used to wrestle in college.
Dr. Cox: Oh! You broke the hug! So you working on a house or what?
Ben: Yeah, I scored this big restoration job. So who's the fan club?
J.D.: Neat hug.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, no one likes a looky-loo. Not now, not ever.

J.D.: What's that, like, your lucky board or something?
Ben: Oh, that? Oh, that's a nail gun accident.
J.D.: Oh, my God, that's disgusting.
Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine, and the x-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a deal. Oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Ben: Look at that. Touch the nail.
Dr. Cox: Yeah!
Ben: Wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! Lick the tip of my- [J.D. faints]
Dr. Cox: Good night! Now, let's get you to a hand surgeon.
Ben: What about tough guy?
Dr. Cox: Somebody'll get her.
Ben: Bye-bye.
J.D.: Please don't.

Dr. Allan: Patient's name is Mo Weinberg. Cancer is confined to the right testicle. Dr. Turk will be assisting with the removal.
Turk: Sorry, Mo. Looks like you're about to either lose Larry or Curly. Starting the incision.
Dr. Allan: Wait, wait. Stop, stop. I'm guessing Mr. Weinberg is Jewish.
Turk: Yeah, so?
Dr. Allan: Why isn't he circumcised?
J.D.: [v.o.] A recent medical study found that a mistake is made on 20 percent of all patients. Most of these are clerical and harmless, but it still adds up to a lot of near misses.
Todd: Dr. Wen wants me to ask you if there could be a mix-up, because our appendicitis patient, that dude doesn't have an appendix.

Ben: Hey, don't be mean to him. You're mad at me.
Jordan: Yeah, because you shouldn't do contracting work. You are clumsy. That's why things like this keep happening.
Ben: They don't keep happening.
Jordan: How many times have you hurt yourself with that nail gun?
Ben: Once.
Jordan: Oh, come on.
Ben: What? With that nail gun. That's a new nail gun. If it'd been any other nail gun, then yeah the estimate would be slightly higher. [laughs]
Jordan: It's not funny.
Ben: You're pretty when you're mad.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess sibling rivalry never goes away, no matter how old you get.
[Jordan is giving Ben an "Indian Burn" on his arm]
Ben: What is this? That doesn't hurt. Doesn't hurt. Doesn't hurt.
[fantasy: Jordan sets Ben's arm on fire with the "Indian Burn"]
Jordan: Oh, really?
Ben: OK, that kind of smarts a little bit.
[reality: J.D. blows cool air towards Ben]