J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd and giving her to Turk, I had toyed with fate.
Turk: I know that look. You're wondering if you toyed with fate.
J.D.: How could you know that look? It's a brand new look.
Turk: What do you think Todd would've done that I didn't?
[fantasy:]
Nurse: Doctor, her heart stopped.
Todd: No! [removes own heart] Here! [dying breath] I'm gay!
Nurse: I knew it.
[reality:]
Turk: Oh, my God! That's your "the Todd would've pulled his own heart out" look!
J.D.: Okay, we have been spending way too much time together.

J.D.: Well, Mrs. Covello, your CAT-scan showed a small rectal tumor, so I want to schedule a low anterior resection. But don't worry, we have an amazing surgical team here, okay?
Mrs. Covello: That means a lot coming from the co-chief resident.
J.D.: [v.o.] How did she hear? She's been in a coma for two weeks. Dammit!

Dr. Molly Clock: See, I think as a psychiatrist that I should be there when Miss Myers' bandages get removed, because her accident was traumatic enough. But with reconstructive facial surgery on top of that? In my professional opinion: Yikes!
Dr. Cox: Honey, if you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my pool-man and my architect so we can populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Dr. Molly Clock: Great. My mom's in town, should I call her?

J.D.: [v.o.] Today I walk in here not as a resident but as a chief. Chief resident. Chief resident Dorian. Chiefy chiefy chief.
Janitor: What's that, your new, uh, cool guy walk?
J.D.: No, I have rocks in my shoe.
J.D.: [v.o.] Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that short-cut through the quarry. Anyway, the best thing about my new job is that I command a lot more respect.
J.D.: Chief resident in the house! Everybody say hey-ay!
Man: Hey-ay!
J.D.: [v.o.] Even though Councilman Donovan was handcuffed to that chair because once again he was flying high on crystal meth, his respect felt good. Honestly, it's the reason I keep voting for him.

J.D.: [v.o.] It was the same old Dr. Cox and Jordan. The weird thing was, there was something underneath it they were happy.
Dr. Kelso: We have some very exciting news.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. You and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched, Ted is hardly my type.
Ted: I beg to differ. I've seen Enid.
Dr. Kelso: What?
Ted: Nothing.

Janitor: Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing has made you a little too big for your britches? So from now on I'm gonna be your britches shrinker. [snaps momp]
J.D.: Oh, what, is that supposed to intimidate me or something?
Janitor: No. I had to do it anyway.
J.D.: What possible reason could you have for breaking your broom in half?
Randall: Thanks, bro.
Janitor: Any other questions? Smart guy?

Turk: Look, I gotta go. I've got a new attending and he hates it when we're late. Plus he's a question-talker.
J.D.: What's a question-talker?
[later:]
Dr. Lemmon: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do. Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.

Jordan: I visited my safety deposit box today. Guess what I found?
Dr. Cox: My grandfather's purple heart.
Jordan: Please, I sold that years ago to pay for these. [holds breasts]

J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, marriage can make the rest of your life seem longer.
Jordan: So you're just going to, uh, fall asleep right after for the rest of my life?
[later:]
Dr. Cox: So I'm supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life?
[later:]
Jordan: I'm not sure I want to watch you drink a beer while I'm holding the baby for the rest of my life!
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Look, Attila there's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me.

Dr. Molly Clock: I think she's a little upset she doesn't look the way she used to.
Dr. Cox: Why? How did she used to look? Oh, dear... ugly. [pager beeps] Oh, what do you know, the paging of the shrew.