J.D.: Dr. Kelso, could you help me out? People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it sounds like something you should take up with the chief resident.
J.D.: But, I'm the chief resident. Look, Dr. Reid's check is made out to the chief resident, and-and mine's made out to the co-chief resident. But we both make the same amount.
Dr. Kelso: You're right. Dr. Reid, you should be making ten dollars more a month, and of course, Dr. Dorian, you should be making ten dollars less. I know it's not much, but it's largely to symbolize the difference in your levels.
Elliot: Coolio!
Dr. Kelso: Coolio, indeed.

J.D.: Thirsty, huh?
Ted: Helps the tears taste less bitter.

Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I'll try.
Dr. Cox: You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!

Ted: Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.
Ted: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce she's with my brother now. He's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece. Anyway, the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around!

Turk: What's up, ladies. [empties shoe] What's up with these rocks!?
J.D.: Hah! You've been graveled.
Turk: "Graveled"?
J.D.: Yeah, it's a new game I made up this morning when I had rocks in my shoes.
Turk: I like it.
J.D.: Better than Play-Doh Pants?
Turk: Play-Doh Pants became all about the money.
J.D.: Wise.

J.D.: [v.o.] It felt good cheering Turk up. See, now that I'm chief studly, I was making a lot more money than him. Needless to say it was a time to be extra sensitive.
J.D.: Hey, you remember how I make more money than you now?
Turk: Yeah.
J.D.: Here's five bucks for remembering. Anyway, I was thinking about spending some of my extra ducats on one of those classy suits we always wanted.
Turk: You mean the leather purple jumpsuit Eddie Murphy wore in Raw?
J.D.: You know it, dawg!

Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers Miss Myers.
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour.

Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Dr. Cox: We weren't waiting for you.
Dr. Molly Clock: Great, I'm on time.

Dr. Cox: Okay, Miss Myers, I'm gonna go ahead and get these bandages off and make sure the plastic surgeons have left your face just as beautiful as it always was.
Miss Meyers: Oh, you're so nice. Are you married?
Carla: Oh, he is as of this morning.
Dr. Molly Clock: Really? I thought he was divorced?
Carla: No, child, the papers didn't go through.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. So, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Elliot and I are both chief residents, I'm trying not to make it all about me.
J.D.: [hands card] John Dorian, Chief Resident.
J.D.: [v.o.] You know, unless there's someone I could doink.