Turk: Billy, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Billy: Lads, it was an accident, right? He threw the first punch, then I hit him, he slipped, hit his head on the bar. Now, listen, where I come from, you knock someone unconscious, you stay around, you make sure they're okay. Right? So, guess what? I won't be leaving.
J.D.: Well, then, you're gonna have to deal with me and my partner. I mean, like, my... my partner, not like my... "my partner".

Billy: How you doing?
Jerry: Not great, actually. I'm dead.
Billy: Bummer. How long?
Jerry: Four years next month.
Billy: Geez, that's a nightmare. I was dead once, for about ten minutes. Then me mate Danny peed on me head.
Jerry: Really.
Billy: It's quite a sight to wake up to, though.

Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Carla: We made up.
Janitor: No they didn't. Chop bustin'. And doc dustin'.

Turk: Well, Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
Carla: My hand is stuck in this rat's nest that she calls hair.
Elliot: Dye job.
Nurse Roberts: Got it! But, Chopstick, you're gonna have to buy a new watch. And Carla, you may wanna borrow some of my spray-on hair.

J.D.: We have to deal with Billy. Now, should we call the cops on this guy or what?
Turk: I don't know, man, he seems cool.
J.D.: He put a guy in the hospital. That's a felony. And as doctors we're supposed to report him.
Turk: Are you trying to convince me to do something that you already did? 'cause you know that drives me crazy.
J.D.: No, this is a decision we both need to make. Together. As a team, as a unit.
Turk: All right, fine, let's call the cops.
J.D.: Thank God.
Police Officer: Hello, gentlemen. We got a call about a felony from a Dr. Turk?
J.D.: Turk's easier to hear over the phone.

Dr. Cox: I went behind Jordan's back and got my junk rewired. She was sweet to me. Sweet, Bobbo. What the hell do you make of that?

Carla: For four years I've had to listen to Elliot complain about her problems. "My parents are too rich." "I slept with J.D. again." "Why can't I gain any weight?" I have problems of my own. I'm from the block!
Jerry: I wanted to help her, I just wish she could've heard me.
Carla: Okay, Jerry, you're out. Laverne, can I talk to you?

Dr. Cox: [laughs] Oh. I see what this is. This is "the payback," ah?
Jordan: Perry, I didn't freak out 'cause you and I are two very independent people in a relationship and we don't always share our feelings. I didn't get angry because I'm not surprised.
Jack: Ba-ba.
Jordan: Let's go ballet! Do I wish it were different? Sometimes. But, whatever you and I have is working, so I guess I just have to live with it. "Bye, daddy."

Elliot: I'm glad Billy's gone. He's such a jerk. He kept calling me "bonny."
Carla: "Bonny" means "pretty."
Elliot: Oh, my God! I will never love like that again!

Carla: You know I wasn't really mad about Billy or the whole flaking thing. I remember hugging you the day of my wedding and thinking to myself, even though the other two bridesmaids were my sisters, I felt closer to you.
Elliot: When did we stop being best friends? I mean, it feels like it took us so long to get to that point and that it's gone away so quickly, you know?
Carla: Well, my fault. Been burying myself in being married.
Elliot: Oh, please, it was your first year. I mean, I should've been the one to make the extra effort.
Carla: So what now?
Elliot: We try harder.
Carla: All right.