J.D.: Take a picture! Take a picture! And you better smile this time.
Carla: You guys look so cute.
J.D.: Carla, do you think you could cut these for me? I've been working out so much, these things are choking off my pythons. You know?
J.D.: Yeah, I wouldn't do that. At the end of the week, you gotta return these bad boys to... Janine.
J.D.: Janine's built like a bear. She curled me once.

Turk: Dude, you OK? You're acting weirder than the time we saw Pat Benatar at Starbucks.
J.D.: How amazing was that morning?

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder lately.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, talking to the computer, but nice self-esteem.

Paul: Hey, cowboy. How about you back off the little lady and we'll all agree you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Listen there, Flowers, I know that your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really, but if you're going to have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, then, gosh, you two aren't gonna have any time for that sweet Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, toe-heads.

Elliot: Should I file my Bell Biv DeVoe CD under B for Bell Biv or under D for DeVoe?
Paul: Yeah, I don't know why you let Dr. Cox push you around like that.
Elliot: Hey, do you notice that you're always telling me what to do? I mean, in a good way.
Paul: Nuh-uh.
Elliot: Then how come I'm growing my bangs out and wearing a thong?
Paul: Because you look better without the bangs. And the thong, well, that's not up to me, that's the law, Missy.
Elliot: [laughs] Yeah, not now. You know I don't like kissing while I'm alphabetizing.

J.D.: What you got there?
Janitor: New circular saw. Just bought it. Four horsepower, 3,500 rpms, titanium finger guard.
J.D.: Why would you need a saw in a hospital?
Janitor: Why would an old hen need a banjo?
J.D.: Why does an old hen need a banjo?
Janitor: Why would I buy a saw if I had no stuff to cut?
J.D.: You wouldn't. That'd be crazy.
Janitor: Exactly. [J.D. bites into a wrapper] You need some help with that?
J.D.: No, thank you, I'm fine.
Janitor: Dammit. [bites hangnail] No, that'd be crazy.

Nurse: What's that all about?
Dr. Cox: I'm afraid Dr. Kelso has passed away.
Nurse: [gasps]

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I told the surgeons about your ballet.
Turk: I don't give a crap what these clowns think. Todd camped out in a wizard outfit to see the last Harry Potter movie.
Todd: Dude, you swore you wouldn't tell. We even high-fived on it.
Turk: Todd, we high-five on everything.
Todd: That's such a lame excuse. I'm totally pissed at you. High five.

J.D.: Man, ever since college you always make everything seem so easy. No matter where you are, you always fit in. I don't know, I guess I thought with this surgery elective, it might be nice not to feel like a total dork.
Turk: J.D., look at me. You are a dork.
J.D.: Not all the time.
Turk: Every second since the moment I met you.
[flashback montage:]
J.D.: Hey, I'm J.D. I am so stoked to be your roommate. Right on.
J.D.: What are you talking about? You said hoops were cool. Hey, baby. Champag-nee?
J.D.: Med-school chicks love ventriloquists. [as dummy] He's right, they do.
J.D.: Tannest intern, baby. And it comes in a bottle.
J.D.: Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.

J.D.: [v.o.] One thing that never changes around here is the stupid idea that surgeons are all cool and the medical residents are all geeks.
J.D.: Oh, Rudy. Can you lose the grapefruit goggles?
Rudy: But it squirts in my eyes.
J.D.: Well, that's a risk you take with that particular piece of fruit.