Dr. Cox: I have no words.
Dr. Kelso: How about handsome? Or glorious?
Dr. Cox: And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that and the little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend. And by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep. And I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.

J.D.: I told you you had nothing to saw.
Janitor: Oh, really? [cut's J.D.'s arm off]
J.D.: Ow, man, give it back.
Janitor: All right. Just tell me why you're hitting yourself. Hmm. Why are you doing that?
[reality:]
Janitor: You ever get the feeling we're thinking the same thing?
J.D.: No.

J.D.: You see that, that right there? That has never happened to me. A hot girl has never asked to buy me a drink. [to the bartender] Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.
Bartender: No problem, lady.

Dr. Cox: Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Nurse Roberts: You know the deal around here. If it barely works, it's not going to get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Oh! Somebody stop me!

Ted: Dr. Kelso, I was able to locate the discharge form you wanted.
Dr. Kelso: She's a beauty, isn't she, Ted? My pride and joy. I just had her varnished, so don't touch. [Ted touches] Here, hand it over. [paper rips] Ted, you're a simpleton.
Ted: That's funny. Because I thought I was rubber and you were glue.
Dr. Kelso: Idiot.
Ted: Boing flip.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobcat. Welcome back. Look it, this whole thing was a joke that, admittedly, got a little out of hand.
In the meantime, this blank check ought to cover the damage.
Dr. Kelso: A joke? You think it's funny they already gave away my parking spot? You think it's funny that one of the surgeons paid his dwarf cousin, Lance, $200 to show up at rounds and sing Ding-Dong, Kelso's Dead?
Dr. Cox: And there it is.
Dr. Kelso: There what is?
Dr. Cox: This whole l-don't-care-what-people-think-about-me act. It's pretty convincing. But methinks there's a sad little cartoon boy living inside the hairy beast. And he's sad because, at the end of the day, he realizes the only thing people think is what an evil son-of-a-bitch he really is. See you later, Bobigator.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, if this check bounces, I'm coming for you. How you doing, Ted?
[Ted waves to Dr. Kelso and then faints]

Carla: You're gonna get in so much trouble for this.
Dr. Cox: It's a joke. No one's going to believe Kelso actually died.
[montage:]
Ted: [laughs]
Todd: I don't know if I should be alone tonight. [puts arm around nurse]
Ted: [laughs]
Nurse Roberts: He's with Jesus now. Tough break, big guy.
Todd: Wow. [puts arm around nurse]
Ted: [laughs]

Dr. Cox: Principal Bob, you called?
Dr. Kelso: Can you explain this?
Dr. Cox: It appears to be a wiring problem. Either way, second floor desperately needs a new computer.
Dr. Kelso: Jackass.
Ted: Boing flip.
Dr. Kelso: I was talking about him, you buffoon.

Elliot: I was talking about U2 the band. You know what? It's fine. He probably thinks I was saying it the way you would say "I love eggs." You know, I'm sure there is not going to be a problem.
Ted: [clears throat] We have a telegram from Nurse Paul Flowers. [laughs] That name is funny. This is my band.
Carla: Oh, my God, Ted, everybody knows. TV themes.
Ted: That's old news, doll face, we do commercial jingles now.
Ted's band: [singing] The best part of waking up Is Elliot in your cup [bass] In your cup
Elliot: That's it?
Ted's band By Mennen

J.D.: Hey, T-Dog, who are we slicing and dicing today?
Turk: Well, J-Dog, I don't know who you're slicing and dicing. I assigned you to another surgeon.
J.D.: What? Why?
Ted's band: [singing] You deserve Ted's band today So get up and get away
J.D.: Ted, you guys suck.
Ted's band: Boing, flip