Turk: Why am I playing golf? This is all Tiger Woods' fault.

Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna lie to you there, Bob. I have not been having the greatest day.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I just drew in this eyebrow five minutes ago, so cry me a river.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, Jordan and I got stuck in this crappy room and I was wondering if... If... Whew!
Dr. Kelso: Perry, if you want a favor, don't beat around the bush, just curtsy.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon, there, Backdraft?
Dr. Kelso: You heard what I said. Well? Always remember how I made you do that.

Ted: Hey, fellas! Always nice to have visitors. So, what's the dealio?
J.D.: Ted, how bad would it really be if two doctors were hitting golf balls off the roof and they caused a car accident and the driver needed surgery? [Ted is silent]
J.D.: Ted?
Ted: Hey, fellas. Always nice to have visitors. So what's the dealio?
J.D.: No dealio, Ted. We just stopped by to say hi. Hi.
Turk: See you later, buddy.
Ted: Later.

Dr. Donna: I think having babies is so much fun. Don't you?
Jordan: I will choke her.
Dr. Cox: Please, Dr. Berlutti, no more talking.
Dr. Donna: Oh, you know, I really prefer Dr. Donna.
Dr. Cox: No means no, Pep Squad, now beat it.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Girl's Name.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. I got a lot on my mind, Ellen. Oh, look at that, I bounced back. Anyway, the cave bat just kicked me out of its lair. And seeing as I no longer have my all-access pass to Crazy Town, I'm going to need you to occasionally go in and poke her with a broomstick, just to see how she's doing.

J.D.: What if she has the baby while I'm in there?
[fantasy:]
Jordan: [screams]
Dr. Donna: Here it comes!
J.D.: What the hell is that?
Dr. Donna: [baby talk]
J.D.: [screams] Get it off! Get it off! Somebody get it off!
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] I'll check on her later.

Paul: Elliot, I think you're an amazing girl, I really do. But something just didn't feel right about last night. I've rushed things with people in the past, and I don't wanna do that with you.
Elliot: [v.o.] What does he mean in the past? Does he have an ex-girlfriend? Is that her? Slut!
Elliot: I feel the same way.
Nurse: Hey.
Elliot: Oh, I am on to you.

Dr. Cox: Hey, so now, why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed and he has an awesome CD collection.
Dr. Cox: Seriously. What got you to the point where you weren't scared anymore?
Carla: Please, I'm still terrified. I mean, cood luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.

Carla: What do you do when you get scared?
Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone. You know, the classics. The thing is that this time I am killing myself for this woman and I'm still getting my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.
Dr. Cox: You know, I'm not so sure.
Carla: It'll come to you.

Janitor: Right, gentlemen, either of you in the market for a van? $500.
Turk: The windshield cost that much.
Janitor: Oh, 800.
J.D.: No, thanks.
Janitor: Come on. There's still half a deer in the back. I think that's a deer.