Dan: Ta-da! Come on, J.D., this is the perfect gift. You can't be driving 40 minutes on a scooter to go to see your kid. Plus, this is a hybrid. So you'll save tons on gas.
J.D.: I don't want your charity, Dan. Take it back.
Dan: No, it's yours.
J.D.: Really? Well, if it's mine than I guess that you won't care if I do this. [hits the windshield with a trash can]
Wow, this thing must have fantastic crash-test rating.

Dr. Cox: Hey, you! Come over here and read this number, will you?
Elliot: No, Boone. I will kill your family.
Dr. Cox: Go read those numbers!
Elliot: Oh, you say bye to baby Boon!
Boon: Got it! 298.
Dr. Cox: Minus my super-buff 180 pounds makes your weight 118. Which is a full one pound less than your patient who is in trouble. Hypocrisy, thy name is... Boone? Do you wanna finish that for me? No? Not smart enough to follow?
Boon: No.
Dr. Cox: Is you, Barbie. Hypocrisy, thy name is you.

J.D.: [screams while hitting car] I'm going to take a quick breather.
Dan: J.D., I enjoy demonstration of your lack of physical strength as much as the next guy, but what is your problem?
J.D.: Dan, you come here with a new job, a new house and you give me a car?
Dan: So what?
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't say it.
J.D.: You're supposed to be the loser, not me. [J.D. finally smashes the windshield] Clearly, I loosened it.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then Dan said the last thing I ever expected to hear from him.
Dan: You know what, J.D.? You need to grow up.

Dr. Cox: New from Mattel it's Hypocrite Barbie! Now, when you do waltz into your similarly stick-like patient's room, I don't want you to feel guilty because you brought in a bag of celery stakes and air for lunch today. Remember, it's not about you, it's about her.

Elliot: Robyn, this colleague of mine pointed out that I could also stand to gain a few pounds, and I don't wanna be a hypocrite, so how about you and I do it together?
Robyn: Sure. He's got crazy eyes.
Dr. Cox: I do and I'm okay with it.

Janitor: That's very wasteful. Must you wash your hands so often?
Carla: I just changed an 80 year-old man's diaper and I'm about to eat a muffin, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna wash away.
Ted: Ooh, I do not wanna see this.
Carla: See what?
Janitor: He expects me to make you drink my mop water. But my bucket's all the way down the stairs, so I'll let you off the hook if you promise never to tell Ted. Yes?
Carla: No.
Janitor: I'm gonna take that as "yes". That's it! Drink it down, baby. All the suds, too! You've learned a lesson.

[Turk's face is painted like a basketball]
Turk: Dribble me! [dribbles Turk's head]
J.D.: Between the legs!

Carla: Ooh, Elliot, double dessert?
Elliot: Yeah. I promised a patient that we'd gain weight together, so...
Ted: Wow It's not every doctor that would take a hot bod like yours and go all jiggly for a patient.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Has anyone else noticed how fantastic Dr. Reid has been looking lately?
Ted: What's up, girl?
[Elliot puts her dessert spoon down.
Dr. Cox: That ought to do it.

J.D.: You don't think I need to grow up, do you, Turk?
Turk: Definitely.
J.D.: That means a lot, coming from a guy who painted his head like some sort of a sports ball.

Turk: Buddy, the one thing I love about hanging out with you is that we get to do stuff like this, you know. But when you leave, I go back to be a husband and a father, which means paying bills, giving my daughter a bath, and budgeting with Carla so that one day we can buy a house. Well, you... Have you even baby proofed your apartment or learned how to change a diaper?
J.D.: Aren't there any instructions on the box?
Turk: Have you seen your baby since Kim took him home?
J.D.: No.
Turk: Alright, so you tell me, do you think you need to grow up?