J.D.: What's wrong?
Janitor: I lost my mop.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: No. But that's the only thing that could make me unhappy, right? You people, you think of me as nothing but The Janitor.
J.D.: That's not true.
Janitor: What's my name? [covers name badge]
J.D.: I know that the nurses call you Sir Plunge-a-lot.
Janitor: I know.
J.D.: Come on. I'm sure you don't know my name so-
Janitor: John Michael Dorian.
J.D.: How did you know my middle name?
Janitor: Because I care.

Dr. Cox: They probably like it too, whether they admit it or not.
Dr. Kelso: Well...
Dr. Cox: "Oh, the old guy's so tough on me, but I love him." Right? Right? They hate you, Bob. They hate you from your the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.
Nurse Roberts: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: What're you laughing at?
Nurse Roberts: That "hooves" and "pitchfork" part. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and honestly I think the only reason you're not down at that hospital right now is that you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. That's partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because, well... I told you that I was afraid earlier, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate to me things I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said. In fact, I'm the one who said them.

J.D.: You've got to get back in the game, Coxie. Okay, "Coxie" was a mistake. Pretend I didn't say Coxie.
Dr. Cox: Get out.
J.D.: Look, I It boggles my mind that you would just bail on a patient.
Dr. Cox: A patient is a stranger in a bed that you can distance yourself from when you need to. Ben is my friend. I'm gonna try to visit him over the next couple of weeks, but if I can't, then that'll be very sad for me, but really, it'll just mean that I'm human. Oh, and Newbie, please don't think that you've come here because Ben needs me. You're here because you're scared to death that you might have to rely on yourself for the first time. And that... That is just the saddest thing of all.

Jordan: You know, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a gown.
Ben: [British accent] Because I don't like people to see my bum.
Jordan: So wear underwear.
Ben: You know how I feel about underwear.
Jordan: Every girl who came to our house in the mid-'80s knows how you feel about underwear.
Ben: Those were my sweatpants years.
J.D.: I don't like that much freedom down there. Makes me tingle in my giblets.

Dr. Cox: Now, do you think you can make Ben behave like a patient or not?
J.D.: No problem. I got him to put his gown on.
Ben: He sure did. And now my butt itches on account of this scratchy chair. [wiggles] What are we watching?
Dr. Cox: Wings. And shut up, I like the cab driver. He slays me.
J.D.: Antonio. Played by the actor Tony Shalhoub, also particularly fantastic in a film called Big Night.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations. Your DiMaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well.

Janitor: Your mother's maiden name is Turner.
J.D.: So you used your key to get into my personnel file. Big deal.
Janitor: Your first kiss was with Sarah Briggs at the embarrassing age of 16. She wore a green turtleneck and you wonder sometimes if she still thinks about you. I'm guessing no.
J.D.: How could you possibly know that?
Janitor: I'm your father.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today seems like a good day to hide out in one of my patient's rooms.
Jordan: You, my friend, are an incompetent fool!
J.D.: [v.o.] Unless, of course, my patient is missing.
Jordan: Where's my brother? Oh, oh. If you say, "I don't know," I'll show you what I learned last week in my crotch-punching class.
J.D.: I think it's great that you're going back to school.

Jordan: Why would he wander off? Oh, maybe he went to a real hospital.
J.D.: Jordan, he found out he had leukemia yesterday. That's life-changing news. You can't be surprised if he's a little depressed.
Ben: Hey, doc! This guy's got something on his shoulder. You may want to take a look.
J.D.: Ben, put the small children down.
Ben: Is anybody missing one of these? OK! You heard the doctor. You'll have to sit this one out. My hands are free-
[Ben lifts J.D. up on his shoulder and starts to spin him around]
J.D.: No, no, Ben! Seriously, Ben! Ben! No, come on, Ben! Stop, Ben. Put me down. Ben! Faster! Woo-hoo! Eagle!

Jordan: Ben, put me down! No!
Ben: Get a shot of the mean lady.
Jordan: Hey, shorty. You short person, you take that picture, you'll be glad you're in a hospital. Help!