Dr. Kelso: Can you tell me the treatment regimen for organophosphate toxicity, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: Well, first I would give intramuscular epinephrine, then IV calcium gluconate, followed by emergency haemodialysis.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, if I wanted you to give me three wrong answers in a row I would have just asked for "the usual."

Ted: Good morning, Dr. Dorian.
J.D.: Ted, you probably don't notice it yourself, but this hospital is a freak show.
Ted: This is my band. We're all working from different departments in the hospital. [vocalizing] Legal
Roy: [vocalizing] Accounting
Crispin: [vocalizing] Shipping and Receiving
Randall: [vocalizing] Online Property Management Including Pest Control Night Time Security And Non-Arboreal Gardening Services
J.D.: That's- That's just great.
Ted: We mostly do a cappella versions of cartoon theme songs. [they sign the Speed Racer theme]

Dr. Cox: I can't believe Perry bailed on you. It's typical. He's always out the door if things get too real.
[fantasy: Real World spoof:]
J.D.: [v.o.] This is the true story.
Doug: True story!
Jordan: [v.o.] Of four people, forced to hang out in a hospital.
Doug: [v.o.] To find out what happens when people stop being polite
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] And start being real.

Turk: Oh, come on, how could this guy be the best?
Dr. Wen: You want to know the difference is between you? When you're working I can always see your wheels turning. You're thinking about what to do next, what could go wrong. You're not in the moment. And as much as it pains me to say this, the Todd is.
Turk: [v.o.] Please. Just because I'm thorough and want to keep two Kelly clamps on in case the appendiceal artery is inadvertently incised so I can gain immediate haemostatic control doesn't mean I think too much. Plus what have I...
Todd: [v.o.] Shiny scalpel Dum de de dum, de de dum De de dum, gonna slice him up

Janitor: You're afraid of escalators.
J.D.: That's not uncommon.
Janitor: You like feel of cashmere on your skin.
J.D.: How are you doing this?
Janitor: That's right, you run away! Run away from the truth!

J.D.: [v.o.] I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling completely abandoned. Maybe because you realized that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity or you can suck it up. It's your call.

Dr. Cox: So, you know, what's up?
Ben: You know, this and that. Hey, I met someone.
Dr. Cox: Really?
Ben: Yeah. But she took a stool sample so I think she works here. Redhead? Tall?
Dr. Cox: Not on the staff, no.
Ben: No? What a strange young lady.

Janitor: [reading J.D.'s diary] What a girl! What else we got? Theater camp. Bingo.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm a good intern, but when you're dealing with disease and family, an intern just doesn't cut it. What you need is a hero.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Shut up. Shut up. And definitely shut up.
J.D.: But, I didn't say any-
Dr. Cox: I know, but I enjoy saying it to you. OK, here's the deal. If we're gonna beat this thing, and we damn sure are, we'll do it one way and one way only: We're gonna be a team, team, team. Do you hear me?
J.D.: I hear you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I am so not speaking to you, Rhonda, thank you.

Turk: I don't believe this. I didn't get tomorrow's Whipple procedure.
Carla: I know. I know.
Turk: This is ridiculous.
Carla: Baby, calm down.
Turk: What's a brother got to do to get a Whipple around here? What's a brother got to do?