‘My Half-Acre’
Season 5, Episode 9 - Aired February 7, 2006
After J.D. lets a patient set him up with her klutzy grandniece, Julie (guest star Mandy Moore), Elliot warns him not to move too fast. Dr. Cox refuses to find another way to treat a patient who won't have a blood transfusion. Meanwhile, the Janitor forms an "air band".
Quote from Janitor
Todd: What's going on?
Janitor: Ted and I are putting together an air band for that contest at the bar. Someone's gotta win those water park tickets. Might as well be us. Lloyd, slammin' solo, but I have to ask, how's things with the drug problem?
Lloyd: Three days sober.
Janitor: Excellent. OK. We'll be in touch.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Well, Mrs. Nickels, it was an honor being your doctor.
Mrs. Nickels: Oh, you're such a nice young man. I'd love to set you up with my grandniece.
J.D.: Oh, thank you. I'm not big on blind dates. And I know, I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reason for that.
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: His face and personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
J.D.: [v.o.] But words will hurt forever.
J.D.: Anyway, for me to be set up with your niece, I'd need to know a lot more about her.
Mrs. Nickels: She's single.
Quote from J.D.
Elliot: I'm sure you said something that sucked all the romance out of the moment. You used to do that all the time when we were dating.
J.D.: Like when?
[flashback to J.D. and Elliot in bed:]
J.D.: Are you getting thicker? You feel a little thicker. What?
[present:]
J.D.: Fine, I may have told her that she smells like my mom. Which, by the way, I still maintain is a compliment.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Carla: I just don't understand. Why wouldn't you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: [singsong] Stay out of it, Carla.
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, hate to disappoint, but my quota for women who bug the living bejesus out of me has been met for the next billion years.
Quote from Turk
Janitor: Somethin' funny?
Turk: Dude, I just came up with the perfect name for your band: Mercy Flush. [laughs]
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: I don't know what it is, but he's got it.
Lloyd: He's going to be trouble.
Janitor: I know. But he's so damn talented.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] I convinced Julie to meet me by explaining that my comment in the bedroom was a simple miscommunication.
J.D.: I wasn't saying you smelled like my mom. I was saying you smelled like Mu-Mum. Yeah, it's an exotic flower that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica.
Julie: God, I feel so stupid.
J.D.: Hugsies.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, Mommy.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Isn't she great?
Elliot: So you got the second date. Just don't repeat the mistakes you made with me. Don't speed down the road and pretend your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that family's pony. But most importantly, if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again, ignore whatever pops into your head. Just look into her eyes and say these exact words: "I'm so glad I found you."
J.D.: You're telling me what to say? Next thing you'll be telling me how to kiss her. I mean, where does it end?
[fantasy: Elliot, dressed as J.D., is kissing Julie:]
Julie: You are such a good kisser, J.D.
Elliot: Hmm. Right back at you. And I love that you're calling me J.D.
[reality:]
J.D.: Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot. And stay away from my J.D. wigs!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Lonnie: Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line?
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month, I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
Lonnie: [looking away] Thank you, Dr. Cox. Is he gone? No. Hello?
Quote from Dr. Cox
Carla: Mrs. London, this is Dr. Cox. He's going to be your doctor.
Dr. Cox: Good news. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery.
Mrs. London: Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.
Dr. Cox: And I'm a doctor. And we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don't worry, he'll figure out another way to treat you.
Dr. Cox: [laughing] No, he won't.