J.D.: You can't just change your mind.
Mr. Davis: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I pass out from the pain in my penis and suddenly we're not in America anymore?

Todd: You're the husband? We gotta get you some bigger hands.

Mrs. Warner: I'm trying to decide who's the most detestable suck-up here. You, this feminine guy with the perm
Guy with a Perm: Mom, please.
Mrs. Warner: Or the one in the corner who can't seem to stop daydreaming.
[fantasy: J.D. dances with a perm]
J.D.: I'm sorry, what?

J.D.: [to the guy with the perm] Wait. Is that easy to manage?

Dr. Cox: Now, tell me this, muffin. You're not gonna be like these mindless drones running around trying to turn the sniffles into something more fascinating just so you're selected to go to this stupid conference, are you?
J.D.: [v.o.] I felt I knew the right answer.
J.D.: No?
Dr. Cox: Oh, good girl.

[montage:]
Carla: Don't worry. Tomorrow is his wedding anniversary.
Elliot: Why does that matter?
Dr. Cox: Because, right about tomorrow, Bob Kelso will be sweeter than flowers dipped in honey.
Dr. Wen: Which is why every year we use this time as an opportunity to ask him for anything our department needs. Like equipment.
Carla: Or an extra nurse on weekends.
Todd: Or a Slip 'N Slide. Who's with me?
Woman: Shut up.

Elliot: Carla, do you think we'd hang out as much if it weren't for J.D. and Turk?
Carla: Uh, probably not. I mean, they are the one thing we have most in common.
Elliot: We have a lot in common. I mean, we both have a hard time digesting dairy.
Carla: You're right. Do you want to be my maid of honor?
Carla: Elliot, I don't know why you're trying to force this. We're fine. I gotta get back to work.
Elliot: We both work.

J.D.: So basically, Mr. Davis, you received a blunt trauma to the fibrous tissue of the corpus cavernosum.
Mr. Davis: Great, and that means?
J.D.: You broke your penis.
Mr. Davis: Wow, I can't wait to get my cast signed.
J.D.: Yeah, I gotta tell you, it's such an unusual case. Would you mind if I try and get it published in a medical journal?
Mr. Davis: [sarcastically] That would be fantastic.
J.D.: I'll let you mull it over.

Janitor: Hey, do me a favor. Hold my place in line.
J.D.: For how long?
Janitor: I don't know.
J.D.: Well, why? What do you have to do?
Janitor: Nothing. I might just veg.

Dr. Cox: So, Newbie, I don't tell you I respect you a lot because... I don't.
J.D.: I know.
Dr. Cox: But I gotta say, the fact you're not jumping through Kelso's hoops like these peons- [to Doug] Yes, you. Forever you, a thousand times you. Move. Move it. Anyway, let's make pretend it's your birthday, because I'm... Ah, hell, I'm impressed. Let's get some coffee.