Elliot: You're getting fake breasts?
Mrs. Kellerman: Stripper big.
Carla: Forgive me, Mrs. Kellerman, but why would you wait until now to do this?
Elliot: Yeah, 'cause you're so old.
Carla: Yeah, Elliot, she gets that.
Elliot: Yeah, I know. I'm sure she gets it all the time.

Mrs. Kellerman: Look, I've been self-conscious my whole life and I finally got the courage. Besides, can you two honestly say there's nothing you'd change about yourself if you could?
Carla: I can honestly say that.
Elliot: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you're both liars.

Todd: Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

Janitor: What's this?
J.D.: It's a mop.
Janitor: Yeah, I got that. I mean, why'd you get it for me?
J.D.: 'cause I thought it would be nice. Why? Don't you like it? Well?
Janitor: [gasps and squeaks] Hmph, hmph. Oh! Hang on.

Dr. Cox: Good news, Mrs. Warner. I think we've got a pretty good idea what's going on in there.
J.D.: [v.o.] So I don't have a case to present. At least this way we get to stay a team.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, it turns out the EGD showed multiple erosive peptic ulcers, and the secretin injection test was positive, all of which suggests you have gastrinomatous Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome.
Mrs. Warner: In English, please.
Dr. Cox: Your stomach acid is eroding your own intestines. It's remarkable. I've never actually seen anything like it. Newbie, you?
J.D.: No.
J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when I realized Mrs. Warner was the most interesting case in the hospital.

Dr. Cox: The whole thing's treatable. We're going to step outside and then we'll get underway. How's that sound? Newbie, what do you say?
J.D.: [v.o.] I just had to go for it.
J.D.: Actually, if you just give me a second, I wanna ask Mrs. Warner something.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: To marry me.
Dr. Cox: Come on, heel toe. What do you say, kid?
J.D.: Mrs. Warner, would you give me permission to present your case to be published in a medical journal so that I might be chosen to go to an AMA conference?
Mrs. Warner: Sure, why not?
J.D.: Thanks. [passing Dr. Cox] Excuse me.

Carla: No, I was talking to my hair. I mean, if it's even the least bit humid, all of a sudden I'm Doctor J.
Elliot: Is he in radiology?
Carla: Yeah.
Elliot: Carla, you know, I would kill for your hair.
Carla: Really?
Elliot: Yeah.
Carla: I would kill for your legs.
Elliot: I would kill for your lips.
Carla: I'd kill for that wagon you're draggin'. That's your butt.
Elliot: Oh, thank you. Wagon?
Carla: Draggin'.

J.D.: [v.o.] I like to think your life comes down to the choices you've made along the way. Like the choice to stand up to a superior. Or the choice to focus on what you have in common instead of what you don't. Or the choice to let someone help you for once. In the end, you just have to trust your decisions.

J.D.: [slips] Well, what about your new mop?
Janitor: I like my old one.
J.D.: But you cried.
Janitor: No, that was you. [wipes the mop across J.D.]
J.D.: It was a good one.