Dr. Kelso: Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 106 and I've decided that the next time you place an IV and actually hit the vein on the first try, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly. I mean, my God, woman. The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Kelso: Isn't he the blind fella?
Nurse Roberts: You mean Ray Charles.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Anyway, you're incompetent.
Nurse Roberts: Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman.

Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso, can I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God's sake, son. I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look, I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday, but then all of a... Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
Turk: Sir, you lied to us.
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I'm Bob Kelso. Nice to meet you. Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year, capiche? Now, get out of my eye line. Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks today.
Turk: How about I don't? And how about you help me out and I won't tell anybody about this? Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet.

Dr. Cox: OK. I'm Dr. Cox. This is my Gal Friday. She'll be helping me to take care of you. But before we get underway, we're gonna need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.
Mrs. Warner: You can drop the macho act now, dear. They're gone.
Dr. Cox: Act-schmact. The lips stay zipped.
J.D.: Zipped-schmipped. Oh, I thought we were riffing.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're not.
Mrs. Warner: Well, aren't you delicious? You know, if I were 20 years younger and slightly tipsy, this might be your lucky day.
Dr. Cox: Careful there, sweetcheeks. I haven't decided which way to take your temperature yet.