J.D.: [v.o.] There aren't that many things that can make the chief of medicine move that fast, but whenever we get a patient who has the same name as a wing of the hospital, you can pretty much predict Kelso's behaviour.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Kelso: Would you like it high up on the cheek or do you prefer this fleshy part in the middle? [kissing]

J.D.: Wow. She had some real old-fashioned sass. I mean, you just don't see sass like that anymore.
Dr. Cox: Stop saying "sass."
J.D.: Sass.

[montage:]
Turk: I don't get it, Dr. Wen. Why would Kelso's anniversary make him less of a jerk than usual?
Dr. Wen: Well, tonight after work, Dr. Kelso will take his wife to a candlelit dinner. Then, after they've toasted to 40 wonderful years together, they'll go home and..
Dr. Cox: Oh, bam! Oh, bam!
Carla: I actually think it's really sweet that at their age they still...
Dr. Cox: Bam! Bam! Bam!

Doug: So, have you found any cool cases yet?
J.D.: Look, Muffin, I'm not gonna run around like the rest of you mindless drones trying to turn the sniffles into something fascinating so you can go to some stupid conference. Schmonference.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's fun to rhyme!

Elliot: You're still stuck on your first impression, that I am some narrow-minded, spoiled brat.
Carla: Elliot, not now, OK?
Elliot: When I was a kid I was really close with my maid.
Carla: That's it. So you think that you totally get my whole experience because you spent time with a Latina woman who cleaned your house?
Elliot: What are you talking about? Our maid was white.
Carla: What was her name?
Elliot: Consuela.

J.D.: No, seriously. Try me. I can do it with anything.
Nurse Roberts: Go away.
J.D.: Go ashmay.
Nurse Roberts: All right, try this one-
Dr. Cox: Angie, put on your flats. We're going for a walk.
J.D.: Eat shmit and die.

J.D.: [v.o.] With every sip of the coffee Dr. Cox bought me, I could taste my own hypocrisy. [slips] Thank God my hypocrisy missed me.
Janitor: The reason I wanted you to stand in line for me was because I needed a new mop. The floors are slippery because this one doesn't work. You know why it doesn't work?
J.D.: It's out of mop gas?
Janitor: No. Because it's so old it won't soak up water. See? [dangles the mop over J.D.'s face]
J.D.: [v.o.] Something in that filthy mop water woke me up. I decided I could have my cake and eat it too. Dr. Cox would never know.

Dr. Cox: What do you say, Bridge Club? How you feeling?
Mrs. Warner: I feel like crap. What the hell's wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: Your abdominal pains suggest you have biliary disease, but your tests came back negative, so we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.
J.D.: But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die. Unless someone actually dies. Then we're kind of forced to by law.
Mrs. Warner: He's talking again.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on. The kid's OK.
J.D.: [v.o.] "The kid"? This is great.

Mrs. Warner: So why haven't I heard your name before?
J.D.: Well, I've only been here a year, and he's actually just started calling me "the kid." Which I love, by the way.
Dr. Cox: She's talking to me, pumpkin.
Mrs. Warner: Seriously, you should be more than an attending. Let me make a phone call.
Dr. Cox: I'm not so good with handouts.
Mrs. Warner: Oh, come on, I'm only putting in a good word.
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, there, Bubby, if you really want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get some rest? And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you to a talkie. [exits]
Mrs. Warner: Oh, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable.

Dr. Kelso: What?
Turk: Nothing.
Dr. Kelso: And you?
J.D.: Nothing, sir. I don't want anything from you ever.
Dr. Kelso: You know, that's what my son always says, but then when Mother's Day rolls around, guess who wants to go halfsies on a pasta pot for Enid?
J.D.: Well, sir-
Dr. Kelso: She's not my mother, dammit.