Dr. Cox: [to J.D.] Why the grim face there, Trish? You watching Kelso's afternoon staring contest with the last brownie?
Dr. Kelso: You bested me again, you little chocolate bitch.

J.D.: Nah, I'm just kind of sad about my intern.
Dr. Cox: Why? You got exactly what you wanted. You drove Keith out of here.
J.D.: No, I drove Cabbage out. That's Keith.
Dr. Cox: That's Keith? That kid's the best intern we've got. Hell, I'd like to bronze him, turn my office into a Keith-edral and convert to Keith-stianity. And FYI, I still want my pen back.
J.D.: Oh, I don't have it.
Dr. Cox: You damn sure better find it, nubile one. And when you do, I want it buffed, shined and de-nerdified.

Keith: This is totally unfair. If I had messed up, I'd be gone.
J.D.: Let me explain something to you. I treat each and every one of you like unique individuals, OK? Take Gloria, for example. The woman's 400 years old. She needs to sleep a lot. I work around that schedule. Wolfman's got to be home by daybreak, so he does all his work come nightfall. Crazy Barry, not allowed near children. We work around that.
Keith: How come I don't get a nickname?
J.D.: Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.
Keith: My last name is Dudemeister.
J.D.: And what am I supposed to do with that, OK? I'm not a magician.

J.D.: [v.o.] OK, this sucks. But at least I didn't forge a note from a dead father.
Turk: You guys ready? All right, Elliot, begin.
Elliot: "My dearest Eric. It is my wish for you that you finally find a good woman"
Eric: I'm gay.
Elliot: "so that she might find you a man"
Eric: Dad didn't know I was gay.
Elliot: "so that he might find you a woman."
Janitor: I found your note in Sanchez's wreath. Also found a bunch of little furniture. Don't know where he got that. Sure the hell didn't make it. He didn't have the time.
Devin: "Make sure you clean out the gutters at the lake house so the front porch doesn't flood"?
Turk: Ours is better than that.

J.D.: [v.o.] The worst thing about Elliot having picked my annoying intern, Keith, as her permanent booty call is that if he's had a few beers, he sometimes forgets which bedroom is hers.
Keith: Mmm. I'm here, lover.
J.D.: Tender.
[later, at the hospital:]
J.D.: In my defense, Keith's a decent kisser, and anyone waking up that way would let out a pleasure moan.
Turk: The same thing happened to me in college.
J.D.: Really? What guy drunkenly kissed you while you were sleeping?
J.D.: [v.o.] And it was at that moment that Turk and I remembered the incident we'd managed to block out for 12 years.
Turk: You OK with us not hanging out for a couple of weeks?
J.D.: Totally.
Turk: Okay.

J.D.: [v.o.] I was gonna miss Turk, but luckily my favorite intern was around to cheer me up: Jason Cabbaggio. Or, as I had brilliantly nicknamed him-
J.D.: Cabbage!
Jason & Mark: Yes, sir.
J.D.: Oh, no, Mark. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Cabbage.
Mark: Well, my last name is Cabbage.
J.D.: I know that, but I've nicknamed you "Wolfman" because of your keen sense of smell.
J.D.: [v.o.] And your ridiculously hairy torso.

J.D.: Now, what can I do you for?
Jason: Dr. D, is the IV supposed to leak like this?
J.D.: Well, yes and no. Mostly no. Really, really, all no. Don't worry. I got your back. First thing is, take a little nipper yourself. Uh, got some on you! Look out! That's some of the fun that you can have. But no seriously, just watch and learn, watch and learn.
Jason: It's an honor to watch you work.
J.D.: Take it all in, Cabbage. Take it all in.

Turk: All right, listen. If Mr. Burton wants the surgery, just call me on my cellie.
Elliot: Cool. What's your number?
Turk: You have my number.
Elliot: I don't. I changed phones.
Turk: Oh, you didn't switch out the old numbers into the new phone?
Elliot: Yeah, but I decided to just put a couple emergency numbers on here.
Turk: The Butterball Turkey Helpline? This one just says, "That Guy In The Restaurant."
Elliot: Hey, I really clicked with "That Guy In The Restaurant," OK? We spent all night talking about... something, OK? Look, Turk, if I need you, I can just call Carla. It's not like we hang out just the two of us any more. I bet you don't have my number in your cell.
[Turk shows his phone which has contacts for "Elliot Home", "Elliot Work", "Elliot Cell", "Elliot's Parents (in case Elliot isn't reachable)"]

J.D.: [v.o.] Not even Keith could bum me out, because everybody's favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, is going home today.
Mrs. Wilk: I'm sure not gonna miss this food.
Carla: Well, the nurses and I got you this.
Mrs. Wilk: Oh! Aw.
Carla: Huh? You should see the size of the stationery store.

J.D.: [v.o.] That morning seemed like any other. Dr. Mickhead was back, having beaten the rap on murdering his spouse...
Dr. Mickhead: Anybody want a cool prison jumpsuit?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso was having his daily staring contest with the last double-chocolate-chocolate-chip muffin.
Dr. Kelso: Let's end this charade. You win again. You always do. Mmm.