J.D.: Keith, I realize you'd like to be at your grandmother's funeral on Saturday. Heck, we all would. But you can't just take a day off whenever you feel like it.
Keith: Then how come Cabbage got off so he could go see King Kong?
J.D.: Because Keith, Cabbage is an ape enthusiast. Show him a little.
Jason: [spitting, grunting]
J.D.: It's like I'm at the zoo. [Keith walks away] Put the thing in your mouth when you... Yeah.

Janitor: [phone ringing] I can't believe you fell for that. Why would that call have been for you? It's my cell phone. You got my "1" button? [bird caws] Hey! Now I can't call my buddies in Saigon. Touche.

J.D.: Uh-oh, Keith, it looks like somebody's gone prematurely gray. That's gonna hurt with the ladies.
Carla: Wow. Dr. Cox told me you were getting tough on one of your interns. I had no idea you were gonna go all cotton ball on their asses.
J.D.: I think I know how to deal with people, Carla. Check this. Cabbage! Heat test.
Jason: [sizzling] It's a little hot.
J.D.: I'll add some milk. Thank you.

J.D.: [v.o.] And now, it's goodbye, Keith.
J.D.: Interns, gather! The next person who screws up is gonna be suspended for two weeks. This is a list of all of your names. At least the ones I remember. At the end of each day, I will either write a smiley face or a sad face next to your name. One sad face, and you are gonzo. And I want to warn you, I write my sad faces pretty darn sad. Allow me to demonstrate. Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen?
Dr. Cox: Not going to happen. I had to strangle a nurse to get this clicky top.
J.D.: Please. I'm in the middle of a very threatening speech.
Dr. Cox: Return this pen or die painfully.
J.D.: Thank you. So, as I was saying, my sad face... [the bird steals the pen]

J.D.: [v.o.] Around here, it's tough to hang onto things. So if someone's trying to take your new friend away, you lie.
Janitor: The bird's dead, sir. And if you're wondering, Sanchez tasted like chicken. I ate him.
Dr. Kelso: I get it. Now, just sign this order form so I can stop talking to you.
[Sanchez drops Dr. Cox's pen onto the clipboard]
Janitor: Gracias.
Dr. Kelso: Nada.

J.D.: Who tried to give Ms. Meadows an ACE inhibitor? She's six months pregnant. She could've lost the baby.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, sometimes, there's nothing you can do.
Jason: That was me, sir. Sorry.
J.D.: Oh, Cabbage. Not you, Wolfman.

Dr. Cox: I, uh, I can't believe you're finally getting out of this deathtrap. I mean, the odds were against you. You had a life-threatening disease, a life-threatening doctor. Anyway, it was a pleasure treating you, and...
Mrs. Wilk: I know how hard it is for you to say something nice, so you can go.
Dr. Cox: Thanks.

Janitor: Damn it, Sanchez. I told you Dorian's in room 136. This is [caws] I apologize, Sanchez. You were right, as always. [to Dr. Kelso] What?

Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie! [J.D. is knocked down by a bedpan] Watch out for the bedpan. Now we're even. But answer me this one question, will ya, please?
J.D.: Those are beautiful antlers.
Dr. Cox: Huh? Why is that screw-up still here?
J.D.: You see, Dr. Cox, I treat each and every one of my interns differently.
Dr. Cox: And you're done. So you accidentally drummed your friend out of here because you were trying to 86 The Dudemeister?
J.D.: That nickname will never stick. It's too long.
Dr. Cox: Listen carefully, Newbie. Things happen for a reason. Do me a favor and think back on all those mistakes that your interns made and tell me this: Who made them?
[flashbacks to Cabbage's mistakes]
J.D.: I don't remember who made those mistakes.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.

Janitor: Well, it's done. I had him stuffed.
Dr. Kelso: [flicks the bird] Terrific.
Janitor: And he's gone. Wow, that was impressive, my friend. You're free to fly. Farewell, Sanchez. Tienes mi corazón. ["You have my heart."] Tienes mi corazón.