Jordan: [to Dr. Cox] Aw, sweetie, do you want me to call his mommy and tell her he's being mean to you? My friend is mean to me.

Turk: Listen. Honey, I know you're angry. But look what I found in my locker. A wad of cash. Now, you can buy the shoes you wanted.
Carla: I'm not mad about that gym thing. Sign this please.
Turk: Any of you ladies have a pen?
[Carla ducks as all the women grab their pens and throw them at Turk]
Turk: Oh! Yow! Yow! You set me up. Baby, you are mad. It's not a crime for me to want one place that I can hang out by myself.
Carla: Turk, I am not mad, OK? Now staple these, please.
Turk: Anybody got a stapler? Hey! Hey.

J.D.: [v.o.] I promised I wouldn't pick on Keith, but this one he had coming.
J.D.: OK, guys. Gather round, gather round. Your hero, Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning and guess what? He's dead. Way to go there, Keith.
Keith: I've never even seen this guy before.
J.D.: Oh! Way to get to know your patients there, murderer.
Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?
J.D.: Doug, I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I'd have him back by 2. It is 1:45.
Doug: Now, I have to take him back to the basement and I don't even have my gurney. I hate dead people.

J.D.: All right. The real reason that I brought Mr. Joy up here was for a teaching exercise. Can anyone figure out the cause of death?
Keith: Maybe when you leaned over to check his IV, you smothered him to death with one of your love handles.
J.D.: What did you say, Keith?
Elliot: Dr. Reid told me if you picked on me I should stand up for myself. And that you're very sensitive about your... doughy physique.
J.D.: Well, I'm not.

J.D.: You know, Keith, I think out of professional decorum we should refrain from talking about Dr. Reid. He's boinking her, everyone. That's why he gets special treatment. What did she say to do if I said that?
Keith: Page her.
J.D.: Ah!
Elliot: Hello. [strangles J.D.]
J.D.: [gagging] I forgot how strong you are when you're mad.

Dr. Cox: Hey, can I can I talk to you for a sec?
Janitor: What's the matter, Sally? The vending machine's out of bras again?
Man: Nice. You tell him.
Janitor: What's up, buddy?
Dr. Cox: Oh, nothing. I just thought your friends over there might be interested in seeing this photo I took with my cell phone the other night. I'm going to airbrush "Friends Forever." Then I'm gonna hang these bad boys all over the hospital. Oh, evocative.

Janitor: Give it to me.
Dr. Cox: You want it? Come and get it.
Janitor: Come and get it.
Dr. Kelso: Gentlemen, let's try to be professional.
Doug: I left my gurney downstairs in the morgue.
Dr. Kelso: You're a superstar.

Turk: You know, one of them staplers could've killed me, woman.
Carla: Well, you know what bothers me? You whining about me being in your space when you're the one who never wants to be alone. I mean, for God's sake, you bought side-by-side toilets.
Turk: That was a surprise for your birthday.

J.D.: Doughy physique, Elliot? Doughy physique?
Elliot: Well, if the pear-shaped shirt fits, wear it.
J.D.: I am ashamed of you, OK? Do you know how petty it is to get that personal?
[As the elevator door opens and the Janitor and Dr. Cox, Turk and Carla, Dr. Kelso and Doug continue bickering]
J.D.: Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her. [silence]
Elliot: I had been stung by a jellyfish!

[As everyone bickers in the elevator, the doctors' pagers all go off]
J.D.: [v.o.] Around here, it can feel like good things never happen.
Dr. Cox: Good to see you, you old bird.
Mrs. Wilk: Did I miss anything?
J.D.: I'll catch you up later.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, when they do, all the petty little arguments fade away. And you don't mind waiting a little longer for your workout. Or your bar friend not being your work friend. Because the truth is, when you put stuff in perspective, the little things will never bother you again.
Keith: Good morning, Dr. D. Dr. Reid told me to get my sweet ass out of the shower and make an omelet. You want one?
J.D.: [v.o.] Did I say never?