Elliot: Dr. Cox, you can trust me to help you. I was top five in my class.
Dr. Cox: [buzzer sound] That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.
Elliot: Okay, I was eight. But I can do this. I'll get us this perfect-
Dr. Cox: Don't say it!
Elliot: Game.
Dr. Cox: What part of "don't say it" did you not understand? Was it the "don't" or the "say it"? Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you. Help me to help you. Help me to help you.

J.D.: Something's going down.
Dr. Cox: Alright, bring it in here, you knuckleheads. Take a knee if you need to, you confoundits. I have been on since midnight, so I stand here with my usual contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups of Nurse Robert's piss-poor excuse for coffee passing pretty much straight through me. The not-so-hidden message being, of course, that if you screw up today, I'm going to hit you hard and fast.

[J.D. walks out of the elevator as the Janitor mops the floor]
Janitor: Hey!
J.D.: What? I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. What imaginary slight have you concocted in that paranoid brain of yours?
[The Janitor looks down to the trail of muddy footprints trailing J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Crap.
J.D.: Well, shouldn't there be some sort of sign... Oh, look at that. Well, you should put it back down before someone slips and falls.
Janitor: Oh, is that what I should do? Good, because I make most decisions based on your opinion. You know what, I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife. Maybe you could mull that over, get back to me, maybe pow-wow. [a woman slips] Floor's wet, ma'am. Little help over here. Little help.

J.D.: [v.o.] A chance to be part of a perfect game is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It just never happens. Which is why I don't mind Dr. Cox paging me for the 13th time this last hour. You see, the ICU is where the most critical cases get turfed. So many patients die here, you think of death as another co-worker, looking over your shoulder with the same annoying demands as everyone else you work with.
[fantasy: J.D. stands before the Grim Reaper and a small child in the same outfit:]
Grim Reaper: Dr. Dorian. Listen, I know you're busy, but my daughter's selling cookies.
J.D.: Put me down for two boxes of mint thingies.
Grim Reaper: She's in second place in her troop. Honestly, if that girl who's in first keeps doing well, we're just gonna take her. [evil laugh, girl laughs]

Elliot: Dr. Cox, I got the Kayexalate and pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh, my God. That totally came out wrong. I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: No, no... No, it's just that I know that you like torturing people, and I am totally up for that. I just wanna make you happy.
Nurse Roberts: Marshmallow, hush.

Dr. Cox: Ah, dammit! Dammit. Dammit. So close. Dammit! [sighs] I'm sorry. I'll be fine. [sighs] Perfect game. Call it.
Elliot: There's five minutes left. It's just the two of us here. Can't we just wait?
Dr. Cox: Just call it.
Elliot: No. We all need this. So, no, I won't call it.
Dr. Cox: You know, that's probably the dumbest thing anybody's said to me around here in a long time. There's nothing wrong with a one-hitter, there, Barbie. In fact, it's miraculous. And I won't have you, of all people, cheapen what should be an endless pursuit of perfection just because you want the world to laugh with you tonight. Now call it.
Elliot: Time of death, 11.55.
Dr. Cox: Good girl. Better go get yourself a cup of coffee. New game starts in four minutes.

Nurse Roberts: Move it or lose it, Q-tip.
Elliot: [laughs] Q-tip. 'cause you're skinny and your head's fuzzy.

Dr. Cox: Nervous guy.
Doug: Yes, sir.
Dr. Cox: Go down to bed 18 and get me his tox screen. You better cross your fingers the news is good, because if it's not, I'm blaming you.

Dr. Cox: And Newbie, start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in bed 23. He's a tricky bastard. He's tried to die five times on me today. Keep an eye on him.
J.D.: I'm your wingman, Maverick. I was watching Top Gun. Did you know that Goose is the guy from ER?
Dr. Cox: No, I didn't. But, but please, keep talking.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I need a favor.
J.D.: Actually, sir, I'm crazy busy today.
Dr. Kelso: Well, then, that's just fine, kiddo. I'm not going to be able to make the board meeting today. I'm going to be tied up all afternoon at Dr. Dorian's pity party. Should I bring something? Maybe I could rent you a clown.
J.D.: A drunk clown hurt me once.
Dr. Kelso: Just listen to the damn lawyer. Go, Tom.
Ted: It's Ted. But hey, it's only been 12 years.