Ted: This morning, one of the social workers that covers this hospital slipped and knocked herself unconscious.
We're concerned she might turn around and sue us. If that happens, some of the higher-ups' heads could roll. [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: The point is that people are less likely to sue an institution if we can put a friendly face on it. You've got a friendly face.
J.D.: But, sir, I...
Dr. Kelso: Sacred Heart is calling for your help, sport. Will you accept the call? [ringing sound; knocks Ted]
Ted: Oh. [ringing sound]
Dr. Kelso: By the way, this is a special phone. If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern who does the physicals over at the state prison!
J.D.: Hello?

Carla: Mr. Davis, I haven't seen you in three months. It's gotta be a record for you.
Mr. Davis: By all means, ignore the dislocated shoulder and let's make small talk.
Carla: This ought to help with the pain. So what'd you do?
Mr. Davis: So, some random woman just pushed me off the bus. It was totally unprovoked.
Carla: Mr. Davis.
Mr. Davis: I may have told her that she smelled like wet ass.
Carla: There you go. Be proud of who you are.
Mr. Davis: You wear too much mascara.
Carla: You be careful now.

Doug: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Dr. Cox: Is this the tox screen? Oh, Dougie, this does not bode well for you.
Doug: I know.
Dr. Cox: Second chance. You go get the results of Mr. Chervin's urinalysis, but if the numbers aren't good, I'm gonna take one of your kidneys and give it to him. [to Nurse Roberts] Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over.
Nurse Roberts: Oh, everybody's afraid of Mr. Man.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, you give good sass.

Dr. Cox: This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands.
Elliot: Ready and raring.
Dr. Cox: Not you. Ginger, get the lead out.
J.D.: Excuse me.
Dr. Cox: It puts the lotion on the skin.
J.D.: Oh, so you can do movies and I can't?
Dr. Cox: It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin. Give me a break.
Nurse Roberts: Mr. Man!

J.D.: Do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
[montage:]
Doug: He's OK.
Nurse Roberts: I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, I've been married for over three decades. I would've gone there, though. Hell yes, I would've.
Janitor: Who cares? No one will ever love you.
Ted: I don't find her pretty, but since my wife left, when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil. [chuckles]

Dr. Cox: Barbie, plates are wobbling everywhere.
Elliot: His H&H dropped three grams, so I'm starting pressors.
Dr. Cox: Or you could transfuse him.
Elliot: Okay, I'll do that.
Dr. Cox: Although transfusions are riskier.
Elliot: Which is why my first instinct was to do pressors.
Dr. Cox: You know what they say about your first instincts?
Elliot: Yep, you should always stick with them. Shouldn't you?
Dr. Cox: Should you?
Elliot: Should I?
Dr. Cox: [whiny] "Should I?" You'll have time to think about it on the bench because that's where you're headed. Now, get out of here, precious. Go ahead. Go. Hippety-hop to the barbershop. "Should I?" [groans]

Ted: You know, I'm noticing the bottoms of your slippers are rather slick. Perhaps they contributed in some way to the incident this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Those are hospital booties, you moron.
Ted: And now I'm a moron.

Ms. Hanson: We'll see each other around. J.D., I'm really glad you were here...
Ted: Ms. Hanson, he's gone. You know, if I were in your slippers, I'd sue this hospital for all it's worth.
Ms. Hanson: Really?
Ted: We could run away together.

Turk: Hey, Carla. Carla, wait! Where are you going?
Carla: I'm gonna go crash at my place tonight, like you said.
Turk: You want to know what's wrong? That's what's wrong. "I'm gonna go chill out at my house, like you said."
Carla: God, you're so sexy right now.
Turk: I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, you know, we're past that new, exciting relationship phase, and all that's left is us. Baby, I gotta tell you, you drive me crazy, alright? You take my French fries, you boss me around in front of my friends.
Carla: You said strong women turn you on.
Turk: Forget about it.
Carla: Look, we all know what you're gonna do, so why not be a man and do it so I can go home?
Turk: OK. I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.
Carla: Me too.
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: I love you.

Dr. Cox: Now, then, I think some of you may have noticed that all 27 of the patients that were here in the ICU when I started last night are still alive, and I intend for them to still be breathing when I get the hell outta here tonight at midnight. I think you understand what kind of opportunity we have in front of us.
Elliot: What opportunity-
J.D.: Shut up! You see, in baseball, when a pitcher's really hot, no one talks to him, just stay out of his way.
Elliot: Why are you talking about baseball?
Dr. Cox: Because you should never, ever jinx a pitcher when he has a chance to throw a perfect game. My God, Barbie, how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning, all by yourself? It's remarkable.
J.D.: See, 'cause he's the pitcher.
Elliot: Yeah, I get it now.