J.D.: What's wrong with him?
Turk: I'm only going to Mexico 'cause Bonnie's not a guy.
Carla: I'm sorry, baby.
Turk: I can't believe you think I got a thing for her.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.
Carla: Who told you that?
[fantasy: J.D. puts tape over Turk's mouth, so he signs the answer to Carla:]
Carla: J.D. told you that?
J.D.: Wait, when did you guys learn sign language? Night classes? Wait, when did I learn sign language?

Turk: I know Dr. Wen recommended Bonnie.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I chose you over that nice young lady because we're going to be moving around a lot and I can't be pulling over every two minutes for pee-pee stops and nylons that come in plastic eggs.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, don't you think that's a little sexist?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know, sport. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses and unload a few uggos? The rules have changed so much, I just can't keep up. Tell you what, let's stop jiggling each other's marbles. You decide who should go. That way, when you choose yourself, I won't have to deal with all this horrible guilt.

Dr. Cox: There you go, prom queen. There is some really tragic stuff in there, so, you know, go nuts.
Elliot: All- All of these are your patients?
Dr. Cox: No. But when word got out about your little offer, a bunch of other docs wanted in.
Elliot: Oh, great. More for me.
[montage:]
Elliot: I'm afraid you have hepatitis.
Elliot: Meningitis.
Elliot: Esophogeo-gastro-duodeno-colitis.
Elliot: Yes, it's like being blind in one eye except you'll be blind in both.
Elliot: I'm really sorry, um... There's nothing more that we can do.

Janitor: [phone ringing] Hello! We can hear you! Hello!
Troy: Why won't it stop ringing?
Janitor: Hello! For the love of God, hello!
J.D.: All right, look. OK, I never meant to insinuate you guys were stupid, all right? Everyone knows you're a hundred times smarter than the jackasses that run this place.
Dr. Kelso: Is that so, sport?
J.D.: No, sir. It's not so. Would you just go ahead and answer it already? [answers phone] Hello?
Janitor: [on cell phone; posh accent] Hello?
Troy: Hey, take that, smart guy.
Janitor: Troy, that's not how we do it.

Elliot: I just wanted to be colleagues.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, look, as long as you stay and work at this hospital, I'm always gonna be your superior. That's just the way it goes. Don't get me wrong, you can keep trying to connect with me. I mean, hell, you're so damn entertaining, you just might make some headway. But still, you might be better served, and this is a crazy notion, if you could stop worrying so much about who does and doesn't notice you. Even for a second. That'd be good. That'd be real good.

J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, on some teams there's gonna be friction.
Dr. Wen: All right, we're done here. Bonnie, you close.
Turk: Damn.
Bonnie: Aw, don't be mad. Just be the good little bee-atch you are and wipe the sweat off my forehead.
Turk: Look, don't say "bee-atch." You can't pull it off. Which is interesting, being that you're the queen mother of all...
Bonnie: Dr. Wen, my forehead's feeling a little misty.
Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk, are your hands broken?
Turk: No. Here you go.
Bonnie: That's nice. Bee-atch.

Todd: Hola, K-Dog. Yeah! Full bar! Take us to Mexico!

J.D.: Mr. Hogan, I can't stress enough how much you gotta avoid the red meat. Cirrhosis of your liver is preventing it from filtering out all the toxins, and if those get to your brain, you could become encephalopathic, leading to a mental status change.
Mr. Hogan: I'm gonna start acting crazy or something?
J.D.: You'll need a tinfoil hat to hold in all your thoughts.
Mr. Hogan: But I can still have a tiny bite of my wife's carne asada, right?
J.D.: Well...
J.D.: [v.o.] The greatest thing about Carla is I always know I can count on her to be the bad cop.
[fantasy:]
Carla: [punches Mr. Hogan] What part of "no meat" don't you understand?
Mr. Hogan: I just thought [Carla punches him again]
J.D.: Carla! [Carla punches J.D.]
[reality:]
Carla: So if you don't listen to Dr. Dorian, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Mr. Hogan: OK. lx-nay on the eat-may.

Nurse Roberts: Carla, your brother called.
Carla: Cool.
J.D.: I didn't know you have a brother?
Carla: That's my pet name for Turk. You know, 'cause he's mine, and he's a black man, my brother.
J.D.: That is adorable. Do you think he'd mind if I call him that too?
Carla: J.D., I was kidding.
J.D.: I know. But I'm still gonna ask.

Turk: Bonnie is killing me. I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja, but worse.
J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja. I mean, they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot: I think you should give Bonnie a break. It's really hard being a woman around here. You walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D.: Not entirely unlike a ninja.