Dan: So, what's my bro like in the sack?
J.D.: What? You do not have to answer that.
Dan: If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, sip your drink.
Elliot: [drinks]
J.D.: Hey.
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: Okay, fine. Ask me if she could be better. [drinks] What? Thirsty.
Elliot: [whispers] I wasn't thirsty.

Turk: Stable condition. What time is it? Time to dance. Pay the man. There you go. Hello, Mr. Jackson. I want to introduce you to the Washington brothers. Y'all get nice and cosy up in my wallet.
Dr. Cox: Before you get too high on your horse, Tonto, I feel it's my duty to remind you of something. See, you just made a $20 bet on whether a fellow human being would live or die. Now tell me, just exactly how does that make you feel, Mr. Sensitive? Pretty good? All the best.

Elliot: So you live in your home town?
Dan: I take care of my mom's place so she let's me stay with her.
J.D.: Dan, you don't stay with her. Come on, he's not like Greg Brady in the attic with beads for a door. He totally has his own space. More like Kirk Cameron in the last season of Growing Pains when he lived above the garage with Boner. Anyone? No. Am I the only one? Boner?

Elliot: These heated seats are amazing. They make my butt tingle.
Dan: Every time you say that, an angel gets their wings. No, it's a sweet ride, but as J.D. has made clear, I could never afford this car.

Woman: Thank you so much for coming.
Turk: You kidding? We've been looking forward to this. You know, ever since he he died.

J.D.: I get it. Let's see how tough you are without your costume on. Go ahead and knock the folders out of my hand now.
Janitor: [knocks papers] What costume?
J.D.: You weren't wearing a gorilla suit before?
Janitor: Is someone running around in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?
J.D.: A gorilla.
Janitor: No, it's not me.
J.D.: Well, then why did you knock the folders from my hand?
Janitor: Because you asked me to. Here you go.
J.D.: I didn't ask you to do that.
Janitor: That comes free with the folder knock.

Dr. Kelso: How are you doing?
J.D.: Good, sir.
Dr. Kelso: I don't have time to stand and flirt. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I-
Dr. Kelso: If I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast it'd make your head spin.
J.D.: Sir, I don't follow.
Dr. Kelso: He cleans pools. I forgot you didn't know that. Well, anyway, I trust we will not be seeing your brother in the hospital.
J.D.: Not inside, no.

Turk: Oh, my God, I'm totally going to hell.
Carla: Turk, wait, people get thrown out of funerals every day.

Carla: Why are you laughing?
Dr. Cox: Off the top of my head, I'd say it's because he's suffering. Of course, I love the poetry of someone putting himself way up on a pedestal then getting knocked back down into this puddle of self-hatred with the rest of us.
Carla: Did you do this to him?
Dr. Cox: Well, I don't know. Does anybody ever really do anything to anybody else?
Carla: You're gonna tell me why you did this and it better be good.
Dr. Cox: How does "for poops and giggles" grab you?

Dr. Cox: Let's go. Field trip.
Turk: I got things to do, you know.
Dr. Cox: Let me guess, you're off to another funeral? I'll make you a deal. You come with me right now and if you're still late for the graveyard, I'll personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and we can just go nuts.
Turk: Carla put you up to this?
Dr. Cox: No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect.