Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Now, next time, if you're not here in 30 minutes, I expect a free dead body or at least some garlic knots.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso: I don't think so. [to the body bag] Miss Parker, you care to weigh in? Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two. Except, of course, that a yellow light means to slow down.

J.D.: [v.o.] Even close friends can disagree about decisions.
Turk: How about this one?
J.D.: You want a clear shower curtain? Why not just nude up in the living room and you can spray me down with a hose?
Turk: Dude, if you're gonna be that self-conscious I can always doodle in chest hairs where about where you'd stand.
J.D.: I have a chest hair. I named him Clancy.

J.D.: We're practically kids.
Elliot: Really, well, what you doing for Halloween tomorrow?
Turk: Well, we used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town.
J.D.: Yeah, you have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do the robot.

Carla: She didn't ask what you used to do, she asked what you're doing this Halloween.
Turk: We got plans.
J.D.: Big plans.
Elliot: Watch TV and sleep.
Turk: Yeah, pretty much.
J.D.: I may take a bath first.
Turk: Bubbles?
J.D.: Give me some. [high five]

Dan: I can be a doctor.
J.D.: I can't let you tell him.
Dan: I won't call you Bambi anymore.
[cut to:]
Dan: It was touch and go. You're a fighter. You pulled through. We'll get you out of here today. Keep an eye on those rickles.
Man: Rickles is my last name.
Dan: You bet it is. Do you have kids?
Man: Two.
Dan: That's what I'm saying. Watch the little Rickles. Children are our future.
J.D.: Doctor, we need you.
Dan: Dammit, Bambi, I'm busy. It's so hard to find a good male nurse these days. Am I right?

J.D.: Dan wasn't just the captain of every team. He was, like, the mayor of high school. The jocks dug him, the burn-outs dug him, the nerds, like, worshiped him.
Elliot: What about you?
Dan: He mentioned nerds.
J.D.: See, why hurt me?

J.D.: Stop your stupid laughing. It makes you look like a whore! Joking.

Dr. Cox: Would people please stop calling me Chief?
Dr. Kelso: Hey, numbnuts.

Janitor: Trick.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Janitor: I just figured you got to be wondering am I gonna get a trick or am I gonna get a treat? You'll be getting a trick.
J.D.: Whatever.
Janitor: It'll be fast and you won't even know it's me.
J.D.: You just told me it was gonna be you.
Janitor: You'll still have your doubts. The best part is you're gonna be nervous all day about it 'cause it could happen at any time. Like now! [J.D. screams] That wasn't it. Fun, though.
J.D.: False alarm, boys.

Turk: All right. Here we go, Mr. Carney. Dr. Wen, I want you to stay focused. I want Dr. Wen to be Dr. Zen, man.
Dr. Wen: Christopher, after 15 years and over 10,000 surgeries, I can do without the pep talk.
Turk: Message received, sir. [whispers] I believe in you.