‘My Big Bird’
Season 5, Episode 8 - Aired January 24, 2006
J.D., Turk, Elliot and Carla are called before a morbidity and mortality conference to explain how a patient in their care died. J.D. goes to extreme lengths to get a "thank you" from a patient whose life he saved, Elliot inadvertently kisses a married man whose son was in the hospital, and Carla is excited about a big lottery draw.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] I was super-psyched to get my scooter, Sasha, back from the shop. But my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet, so I was being extra cautious.
[As J.D. places traffic cones around his scooters, sirens wail in the distance]
J.D.: Perfect. Time for my morning slushie.
Police Officer: Get out of the way! The store's being robbed! Freeze!
[As the robber emerges from the convenience store, he seeks cover. He looks back and forth between a wall and J.D.'s scooter]
J.D.: The wall! Hide behind the wall! No! [gunfire] Sasha!
Robber: All right, all right. OK.
J.D.: There was a wall! What's the matter with you? [gun shots] Who's still shooting? She's down! It's over!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Carla: Hey, Dr. Cox, you want to put in for some lottery tickets?
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Carla, I would. I really would. But you see, I already set fire to a big pile of money just this morning.
Carla: Hey, we have the same chance of winning as anyone else.
Dr. Cox: And the category is... ding! Things that have a better chance of happening than you winning. Ted-ski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please?
Ted: Go!
Dr. Cox: Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba-Simpson-
Ted: Time.
Dr. Cox: Oh!
Quote from J.D.
Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
J.D.: Me? Floating Head Doctor.
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once.
[fantasy:]
J.D.'s head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Myers. Uh-oh. He's flatlining! Body, come!
[J.D.'s body gets off an exercise bike and rushes over, crashing into a wall]
J.D.: Damn it! Starting CPR. [bangs head on patient's chest] Ow!
[reality:]
J.D.: There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.
Quote from J.D.
Turk: Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day just to thank your garbage man?
J.D.: Yes, Jabbarie has been added to the hug schedule. Want to wait with me?
Turk: I can't. I was supposed to be on-call five minutes ago.
J.D.: [v.o.] This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end...
[present, at the morbidity & mortality conference:]
J.D.: Whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, what are you doing?
J.D.: Sorry, sir. Sometimes I like to just sum things up.
Quote from Carla
Ted: Hey, Carla, did you hear the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom.
Carla: Yeah and you could spend the other 99,999,000 on therapy.
Ted: What would you do with the money?
[fantasy:]
Elliot: Carla, I can't believe you're gonna be a mom.
Carla: I know. It was expensive, but totally worth it. Right, baby?
[Turk has a baby bump]
Turk: Stupid lotto.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: You said your wife was dead.
Jimmy: No, I said she wasn't with us. Don't make me out to be a bad guy.
Elliot: Well, you're not a good guy. Good guys don't lie about being single or about helicopter pilots. If you were a good guy, you would get in there and tell her what happened.
Jimmy: You're right.
Elliot: Hell, yeah, I am. Wait, what?
Elliot: [v.o.] You know how when something horrible happens, like a car accident, everything slows down?
Elliot: [gasping] No!
Millie: Whore!
Quote from Elliot
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
J.D.: [v.o.] When women want men to completely zone out, there's one thing they can talk about.
Elliot: You see, yesterday, I went shoe shopping and there was this one pair of Manolo Blahniks...
J.D. and Turk: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
Carla: Great, we can talk.
Quote from Carla
Carla: What were you thinking?
Elliot: So we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just really hit it off, you know? I mean, it started out with some pretty innocent flirting. "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid." "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"
J.D.: Huh?
Turk: Whose stool?
Carla: Strappy sandals.
J.D. and Turk: [v.o.] Shoe shopping. Continue.
Elliot: And then I asked where his wife was. He said, "She's not with us." And then, you know blaah.
Carla: Cool. Oh, I almost forgot. Lace bra.
[J.D. and Turk snap out of it]
Quote from Doug
J.D.: [v.o.] A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital. Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in.
Doug: Ted, give me a hand. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this, so lie across his feet and I'm going to push down his head and straighten him out.
Ted: Fun!
Doug: And one, two, three!
[Ted is flung across the room and hits the window]
Doug: Ted?
Quote from Janitor
Carla: I'm just saying, think of what you could do with that kind of money.
Janitor: I could get a trained shark.
Carla: Why?
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Thanks for inviting me, Janitor.
Janitor: Anytime, buddy. Anytime. [over radio] Wait for him, wait for him,
J.D.: Can opener!
Janitor: [over radio] The lobster's in the pot. Devour! Devour!
J.D.: Something feels pinchy. [screams]
Janitor: [over radio] Save me a leg.