Dr. Kelso: Who's a whore?
Elliot: That'd be me, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course. Would you care to elaborate?
Elliot: See, yesterday, I went shoe shopping...
Turk: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
Ted: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
All: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
Dr. Cox: Oh, please. Jordan used to use that one on me all the time. Immune. Watch this. Satin panties.

Elliot: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to explain to you my behavior before. It's not like I was just making out with some random guy in the hospital. I wouldn't do that. Well, I did that once. There was this Medi-Vac pilot. Actually, he just turned out to be an orderly who got his hands on a helicopter helmet. But this is different. Sure, it could get complicated. He has a son.
Mrs. Wilk: And a wife.
Elliot: I've been making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away. Oh, my God, I've become my mother.

Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
Elliot: If we all win this lottery then I am using that money to find a decent man.
[fantasy: At the altar, Elliot opens up a fold in a man's tuxedo to reveal a circuit board]
Priest: You may kiss the bride.
Elliot: Whoa, save it for tonight, big guy. [taps his metallic crotch]
Robotic Man: Mazeltov.
[reality:]
Elliot: Why did I make him Jewish? My parents will kill me.

J.D.: Mr. Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.
Mr. Sutton: Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbage man. How times a day do you think I get thanked?
Turk: Six.
Mr. Sutton: You're off by about six.
Turk: Twelve!
Mr. Sutton: I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you.
Turk: Stupid bird stole my hat.

J.D.: [v.o.] After a day like today, there's really only one thing you can do...
J.D.: To bad radiologists. [toast]
Dr. Cox: Wait, wait. Let me get in on this. Let's also have a toast to Mr. Foster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: No, because you were lucky. You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again. Have a have a swell party.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true.
When that happens, you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital, the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.

Mr. Foster: Is this gonna hurt?
J.D.: Don't be such a baby. It's a magnetic image. I apologize, Mr. Foster. I'm a little upset. My scooter, Sasha, was assassinated this morning.
Turk: He was attached to that thing. He used to wear a bracelet, "Sasha forever."
J.D.: Come on, Turk. It was just a joke, and I only wore it for one week.
Turk: Whatever.
J.D.: Now let's fire this baby up. [clanking] OK, so I still wear the bracelet.
Turk: Idiot. Oh! [clanking] My watch!

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, the weirdest thing is when a cool guy who's fine and talking to you one minute is dead the next. Of course, in hospitals, this happens a lot, so you have to shake it off and move on. Except when this happens...
Dr. Cox: Well, if it isn't the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse. There's a morbidity and mortality conference tomorrow to figure out who's responsible for Foster's death. And here's the exciting news: I'm pretty sure it was one of you.
[dramatic classical music ringtone]
J.D.: You really gotta change that cell phone ring.
Turk: Mom, not now.

J.D.: [v.o.] So a patient was dead and one of us was gonna be blamed.
[dramatic classical music ringtone]
J.D.: Dude, you've gotta change that ring.
Turk: You think so? Mom, not now.

J.D.: [v.o.] With morbidity and mortality conferences, the first question sets the tone for the day.
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone?
Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo. And it was delicious. My compliments to the little lady.
Dr. Kelso: I made those.
Dr. Cox: I know.

J.D.: So, Mr. Sutton, when you came in with heartburn, I bet you thought I'd kick your butt right out of here. But not this guy. I admitted you and stayed up all night studying your EKG because I had a hunch and no girlfriend. But mostly it was the hunch. And that hunch paid off because, if I hadn't found that blocked artery, you'd be dead right now.
J.D.: [v.o.] And here comes the gratitude, the two words every doctor lives to hear.
Mr. Sutton: Later, dude.