Andy: Have you thought about this. You could be an airline pilot.
April: I don't like heights.
Andy: What about a submarine pilot?
April: I don't like depths.
Andy: Mm.
April: I don't like anything, okay. You're not gonna be able to find a career for me, so just give up.

Andy: No way, babe. We can do this. Let's play a game. Okay? You say a word, I say a word. We see if it makes a profession.
April: Executive.
Andy: Trampoline.
April: Computer.
Andy: Trampoline.
April: Trampoline.
Andy: Pass.

Ben: Hey, Leslie? I need both you and Ron to sign this city point of sale document since the land you're gunning for lies within city limits. Can we run over to Ron's office and take care of this?
Leslie Knope: Well, I love it when you talk point of sale doc, 'cause you know it turns me on, but, no, no. There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson, unless it is during a police lineup when I am pointing him out as the man who betrayed me. That's him, officer. Ronald Swanson. [deep voice] "Thank you, Leslie. That's the fifth crime you've solved this month. I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge and a siren for your car."

Leslie Knope: Yeah, see? Ben, it all works out. I'll sign the documents here and then you can bring it to Ron and he can sign it there, and then you can tell Ron to rot in hell.
Ben: How long are you two gonna go on like this? You're acting like a little kid.
Leslie Knope: No, I'm not. And infinity plus one year.

Tom: Perd Hapley. Crazy Ira and the Douche. Tom Haverford? That's nice, but I don't know if you can really consider me a celebrity.
Donna: Yeah, that's your handwriting.

Bill: I've recently self-Published a biography about Harrison entitled, Barely A President. William Henry Harrison's 32 Days In The White House." I discovered that Harrison had a heretofore unknown hunting lodge on the very land you're trying to acquire.
April: Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.
Leslie Knope: If a U.S. President had a house on that land, it could qualify for historic landmark status, and we could really stick it to Ron's team. Which would be icing on the cake, not the reason why we're doing this.

Andy: That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.
April: Oh, babe. I'm sorry you had to hear that. You're safe now.

Ben: Hey, Ron. Sorry to bother you, but I need you to sign this point of sale document. And please sign it in cursive. It raises a lot of red flags if you--
Ron Swanson: No.
Ben: Okay.

Ron Swanson: So... what's Leslie up to?
Ben: Well, I don't think I should discuss that, given that you're in competition. Need to remain neutral.
Ron Swanson: Fair enough. Terry, what's Leslie up to?
Jerry: She is trying to find a historical to earmark the land for preservation.
Ben: Terry, come on, man.

Leslie Knope: Okay, you know, I love William Henry Harrison as much, if not slightly more than the next guy, but this is garbage. I mean, literally, there's a bag of old hamburgers over there.
Andy: What? How old?