Leslie Knope: We're running out of time and we need to beat Ron. So...we're gonna have to use this old pile of bricks. I need to gather everything I can on William Henry Harrison.
Bill: Let's head to the Harrison Museum over in Vincennes. I volunteer there part time.
Andy: [eating burger] I just found an artifact! Historical artifact. William Henry Harrison's wig. [holds up dead animal]
Leslie Knope: Andy, put that down.
April: Cool.

Ben: You've got to be kidding me.
Jerry: No, I'm sorry, but there's a page missing from the document so then the signatures are invalid.
Ben: Can't we just say it was there?
Jerry: You're asking a notary to lie. I signed an oath, Ben. And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed.

Ben: Ron? Okay, let's try this again. All pages accounted for, just sign right here.
Ron Swanson: How is Leslie doing with her quest?
Ben: Again, I don't want to talk about her plan with you, nor yours with her. Sure you understand.
Ron Swanson: Absolutely. Terry, what is Leslie up to?
Jerry: Oh, getting ready for a big press conference.
Ben: Terry, come on.

April: Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty? I just wanted to say that I really like your museum. It's weird and sad and unnecessary. Is there, like, a museum curator position I could apply for?
Bill: Sorry, everyone here is a volunteer. Though you do get a yearly stipend of 50,000 Harrison Bucks. Accepted only at that vending machine.
April: Thanks.
Andy: That's a bummer. But, hey, hey, listen. Maybe you could start your own museum.
April: About what? I'm sorry, but I am not like you. You love everything. The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks. You can't make museums about those. This is another dead end.

Leslie Knope: What's Ron up to?
Ben: Okay, I am not--
Leslie Knope: No, no, you have to tell me because you legally vow yourself to me in marriage. Sucker.

Leslie Knope: Bill? Operation Quantity needs a face. Does William Henry Harrison have any direct descendants in the area?
Bill: One, a distant nephew named Zack Harrison.
Leslie Knope: This is our guy. American royalty. His veins pulse with the blood of our storied forefather.
Andy: Zack Harrison? I went to camp with this guy. Ha ha! No one would ride in the boat with him 'cause he had terrible B.O., and then he went with Janine, our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner.

Leslie Knope: Well, he's American royalty, okay? And we need him for the press conference, and we need all of this stuff. So help me God, I will make a mountain out of this mole hill.

Zack Harrison: Hi, Zack Harrison. You wanted to meet with me about a press conference?
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes. Hello, Zack. Yes, I am Leslie. It is an honor to have you here. You are Indiana's last living link to this great man.
Zack Harrison: Look, I really don't think you should make a big deal out of this. I just happen to be a descendant of a guy. You could be the descendant of George Washington. I wouldn't know.
Leslie Knope: Do you--
Zack Harrison: No, that was just a hypothetical.
Leslie Knope: Could that be possible? Because, you know, I have always thought that we shared very similar jaw lines. Wow. That is something to chew on.

Andy: Zack. Camp Wamapo, you got a boner. We'll catch up. What a dick.

Leslie Knope: Good evening. Pawnee is a place of culture, history, and heritage, and the National Park Service is proud to say that we've discovered a new chapter in the life of local hero and president, William Henry Harrison. [Hail to the Chief plays] A heretofore unknown hunting lodge was recently discovered smack dab in the middle of the Newport land. What great historical moments took place within these hallowed halls? Did Harrison plan his presidential campaign while sitting around the hearth? Which used to be there. Did he write letters to Thomas Jefferson on his roll top desk? Which, you know, I don't know, might have existed. The point is, William Henry Harrison would have wanted this land preserved as a national park. Don't believe me? Let's ask him. In the form of his direct descendant, Zachary.
Zack Harrison: Hi, I'm Zack. Harrison.
Leslie Knope: Amazing.
Leslie Knope: Zachary, what is it like being a descendant of William Henry Harrison?
Zack Harrison: Uh, Harrison's a pretty common last name.
Leslie Knope: Okay, sit.