Chris: The key to April's heart is within you, Andy. You need to tap in to the aspects of your personality that she once found attractive to make yourself the best version of yourself. What's great about you?
Andy: I'm nice.
Chris: Good! Nice. What else?
Andy: I'm in a band.
Chris: Band! What else?
Andy: That's it.

Kelly Larson: Well, you seem pretty chipper this morning.
Leslie Knope: I am, Kelly, because I know why you're here. You know what I did last night?
Kelly Larson: Read Twilight, and it transformed your life and you're gonna put it in the time capsule?
Leslie Knope: Well, I read the first ten pages. I couldn't really get into it, though. More of a Harry Potter girl myself.
Kelly Larson: What?
Leslie Knope: But I looked at the inside cover, and I saw this. Did a little research, and Liz Waverly is 12 years old, a straight "A" student at King Philip Middle. She's also a member of many Twilight Internet message boards and I'm guessing your daughter? Is that why you did this? To impress your daughter?
Kelly Larson: Liz's mom and I divorced a couple years ago, and it's been really hard on her. And she loves Twilight and so... I read about your time capsule and I thought that if I could somehow convince you to get it in there, I'd be a big hero.
Leslie Knope: That's really sweet. You should have told me you were doing this for your daughter.
Kelly Larson: I didn't want to drag her into it. I'm sorry. This is a mistake. You don't have to put Twilight in the time capsule.

Leslie Knope: I think we should put Twilight in the time capsule.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdos.
Ben: Yeah, what happened to, "a perfect encapsulation of life in Pawnee"?
Leslie Knope: Well, for that guy, life in Pawnee is him and his daughter reading that book. Besides, I can get Shauna on board. It would make a great human interest story.
Ben: Uh, if this gets out, every time you want to do anything, some guy's gonna come into your office and handcuff himself to a pipe.
Leslie Knope: Well, yeah, that's a good point. Then we shall bring the pipe to them.
Ron Swanson: Oh, no.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes.
Ben: What does that mean?
Ron Swanson: Crackpot convention.

Andy: You, uh, like music? What are you listening to?
Eduardo: The Smiths. Ugh. Very depressing.
Andy: April's making you listen to that? She's really into that indie stuff. I'm more of a Dave Matthews guy myself.
Eduardo: David Matthews! Crash into me!
Andy: Yes! I love that song. Here you go, here. Take one. Check us out. We're amazing, so let me know how much you like us.
Eduardo: Yeah, gracias.
Andy: That means "thank you"?
Eduardo: Yes.
Andy: Nailed it.

Leslie Knope: Um, who else?
Woman: I would like to include my favorite book: Crazy from the Heat: The David Lee Roth Story.
Leslie Knope: Well, I think if we're gonna be adding a book to the time capsule, it would probably be Twilight.
Woman: I don't care about Twilight. Why is this only about his favorite book? I want my favorite book in there.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I have an idea. Two time capsules. One that totally encapsulates what's happening right now in Pawnee in this moment in time and the other one that's just for items of personal significance, like Twilight.
Marcia Langman: No Twilight!
Kelly Larson: Yes, Twilight!

Leslie Knope: Oh, God. This time capsule's tearing this town apart. You're leaving soon. Can I blame it on you in the press?
Ben: Sure. Well, I got to say, I think it's kind of impressive. I've been to a lot of towns. Usually people don't care about anything. I mean, don't get me wrong. These people are weirdos, but they're weirdos who care.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me, everyone. I realize things have gotten a little out of control, and that's Ben's fault, and he's sorry. But I have an idea, and if you like it, I think we can end this right now.

Andy: Is Eduardo coming?
April: No, he went back to Venezuela.
Andy: Oh, that sucks. He was a really good bassist. I was actually started to like him.
April: I know. That's what made me start to hate him.

Ann: Have you enjoyed your time with Andy?
Chris: Yeah, he's great. And he told me how great you are... And he told me that I would be crazy to let you away.
Ann: He did, huh?
Chris: He did. And also, there's a pretzel stand over there that literally serves the best pretzel I've ever had. Would you like one?
Ann: Absolutely.

Tom: Hey, guys. Listen, I've never seen this before, so... I'd really appreciated if no one like talked or texted or anything. [movie begins]
Leslie Knope: Oh... Hey.
Kelly Larson: Hey, Leslie, thanks for setting this up.
Tom: Dude, what did I just say?
Kelly Larson: I was the guy who introduced you to...
Tom: How about you shut up?