Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your final warning. Do not miss tonight. April Ludgate Birthday Bash. 9 o'clock at the world-famous Snakehole Lounge. The place the Pawnee General has called the sexiest, most dangerous club in town.
Leslie Knope: That's not what they wrote.
Tom: Fine. I added the word "sexiest," but we've hired better security.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Yes, I am a good friend for throwing the party. I'm also a genius because I'm using the occasion to stock the club with every available hottie I know. Call me a romantic, but I believe by the end of the night, I will have between one and four new girlfriends.

Paul: Good morning, everybody. I know you all have your budget presentations ready, but there's a change of plans. Due to the crippling gridlock in city council, we are postponing all planning and spending decisions indefinitely.
Leslie Knope: Um, until when?
Paul: Indefinitely.
Leslie Knope: And when will that end?
Paul: Later than now.
Leslie Knope: So this week probably?

Ron Swanson: Just calm down. You don't even know what they're gonna do.
Leslie Knope: Ron, they're state auditors. They're not gonna come and pat us on the back. They're here to slash and burn.
Ron Swanson: Well, I'd be fine with that. This government is diseased. It's like a big, fat, angry slob spending money it doesn't have on crap it doesn't need. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Me want more pointless social programs. Yummy, yummy, yum.

Andy: Let me ask you a quick question. What's the youngest a girl can be that if we go out, I'm not a total scumbag?
Tom: You know the old rule. Half your age plus seven.
Andy: Half my age plus seven. Oh, okay. Well, I'm 29, so half of 29. Add seven. That's only... Twenty is...
Tom: Twenty-one...
Andy: Twenty-years-old.
Tom: Twenty-one... and a half.
Andy: Twenty-one-years old and a half.
Tom: Yeah.
Andy: Yep. We got the same thing with the equation on that one.

Andy: Here's the thing. What if she's slightly younger? Can I go out with someone younger than that?
Tom: Please, you totally can.
Andy: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Tom says it's okay. That probably means it isn't okay.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Chris is the most positive state budget auditing consultant I have ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him, and it was like staring into the sun.

Chris: People, we are here from the state budget office from Indianapolis. Ooh. What does that mean? Look, simply we are here to tinker with your budget. Think of the government as a broken-down carousel. We're going to slap on a new coat of paint, we are going to fix that broken speaker system, and we are going to get those happy kids back up on the horses where they belong! Okay?

Leslie Knope: I really like your shirt.
Ben: So I'd like to talk about where you think there's waste within your department.
Ron Swanson: [scoffs] Where do I start?
Leslie Knope: There is none.
Ron Swanson: What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it? And can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?

Ann: You know what. You shouldn't wait around. You should come up with your own budget plan and just control your own destiny.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I just don't know if I can play God like that. Angry, vengeful God, who just fires Jerry for no reason.
Ann: You'd fire Jerry?
Leslie Knope: Not necessarily.

Tom: And I'm reading this, and I'm like, "How could they hurt those gorillas like that?" They're such gentle, magnificent creatures, you know? I'm an animal lover. I don't know. Hey, I want you to keep this bottle cap. So you always remember me and the first time we met.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Classic game. Plant the seed. Harvest, like, a half hour later.