Tom: id I give you a bottle cap? Excuse me, did I give you a bottle cap?
Woman: What?
Tom: Did I give any of you guys a bottle cap? [woman shakes head] You sure? Who the [bleep] did I give a bottle cap to?

Andy: I'm not saying we're the best band in the universe. But we're, I would say, honestly the best band in the world.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I should write an article about you. Another article about you.
Andy: Yeah, okay. Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Sure.
Andy: Yeah. You have a tab I can put it on? Wait. How old are you?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: 25.
[Andy takes a moment to do the math in his head]
Andy: Mark. Brendanawicz. Hey, what's 25 divided by 2 plus 7?
Mark: 19 and a half.
Andy: Okay. I'm older than that. We're good to go.

Chris: So what brings you here so early?
Leslie Knope: I'm here to speak to Ben, actually.
Chris: Great. I'm gonna listen to some ocean sounds and do some chin-ups.

Chris: Oh, oh, oh. Don't keep him too long. I need someone to be here when I take my multivitamin. There's a choking hazard. [holds up a two-inch long multivitamin]

Leslie Knope: Oh, I can't believe our little girl is all grown up. Damn the wheel of the world. Why must it continually turn over.
Ron Swanson: Jack London.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: Nice.

Mark: Thank you for meeting with me again. I don't even know really what I want to say. But I guess I just don't get it. You know, our relationship was so great.
Ann: Mark, honestly, it was really nice. But maybe you thought it was so amazing, because you've never dated someone for so long before.
Mark: Well, but for example, we barely ever fought.
Ann: That's not a good sign. You're supposed to fight sometimes. You're supposed to miss the other person even if they're only gone for 20 minutes. And I just didn't feel that. Did you?
Mark: Man, I should have yelled at you way more.

Andy: That's great. I'd love to hear all about your family vacation.
April: Hey.
Andy: Oh, that's great. Get out, Kyle.

April: [aside to camera] Yes, I am 21 years old today. Which is the age that pretty much everyone agrees makes you an adult.

Leslie Knope: Well I'm presenting it today. And if it flies, we're gonna get our money to build a park. I mean, it only took us 15 months to do this.
Ann: I can't believe it.
Leslie Knope: It would've taken 13 months if you had agreed to work on weekend. But still... It's great.

Leslie Knope: Well, the meeting is at 10. Come over to my office for champagne after.
Ann: I don't think I should do that.
Leslie Knope: Oh, right. Mark. Oh. Awkward.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I ended things with Mark a couple of days ago. And... I'n not gonna talk about it.