Chris: Leslie, Leslie. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Leslie Knope: Wow. You have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh, yeah. Would you like a vitamin? B-12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?
Leslie Knope: No, thank you.
Chris: You sure? Really good for hangovers.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'll take one.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, and positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Leslie Knope: I'm sorry that I yelled at you. All three times. But I don't think you know anything about my department. Have you ever been part of a government body before?
Ben: I have, yeah. Small town called Partridge, Minnesota.
Leslie Knope: Why does that sound familiar? You're Benji Wyatt?
Ben: I am.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town. And won. A little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion, I guess. Here's the thing, though, about 18 year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground after two months and got impeached. The worst part was, my parents grounded me.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces, what they intend to waste taxpayer money on. For a libertarian such as myself, it's philosophically horrifying. They also really cheap out on the snacks. Hydrax cookies? Did you know there was an off-brand hydrox? I did not. They're not bad.

Paul: Look, we are bordering on a full-blown crisis, Leslie. The state government is sending a team from Indianapolis to try to solve this budget problem.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: "In the event the Master Plan meeting is cut short..." "In the event I have laryngitis and I can't present the Master Plan..." "In the event the Master Plan meeting is moved on to a boat..." Look, I'm prepared for every situation. Except for the one where there's no Master Plan.

Andy: [aside to camera] I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals. But that Ralph Macchio guy is a total douche.

Ann: [aside to camera] I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now, he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bull[beep].

Leslie Knope: Okay, open this one. Here, I'll help you.
April: Whoa! Documents.
Leslie Knope: Yes, this is your original intern application, your original parking pass, and your original photo ID.
April: Did you get that out of my purse?
Leslie Knope: Doesn't matter. And this is a copy of your very first paycheck.
Tom: Who's that from?
Leslie Knope: Me. It's from me. Happy Birthday.
April: Thank you, Leslie.
Ron Swanson: Open mine.
Leslie Knope: Anyway, it's nice. I mean, it can be little savvy and sentimental to kinda frame things, but its always nice to remember the beginning of something. You know, the start. And when you have that...

Leslie Knope: Ron! For God sake.
Ron Swanson: She's an adult now. She should know how to responsibly to handle and discharge a weapon. That there is a SIG-Sauer .22 caliber Mosquito, manufactured in Switzerland for their pussy police force. This two-toned lightweight model is perfect for a skinny little thing like you.
April: Gee, thanks, Ron.
Ron Swanson: I will hold on to this for you until we get you licensed up. And then I'll take you for some target practice.
April: Goody.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Yeah. I do feel a little guilty. I'm regifting.

Andy: That high five was your birthday present. Just kidding. That wasn't it. I got you something else. I wrote you a song.
April: Really?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah.
April: What's it called?
Andy: I'm not telling, but I'll give you a clue. It's named after a month out of the year.
April: So April?
Andy: No. That would have been way better.

Leslie Knope: In the words of the great 19th century outdoorsman Jack London, you can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. With those words ringing in our ears, we proudly present our plans for a new park on municipal lot 48.
Ann: That's good.
Leslie Knope: I know.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The yearly budget and planning proposal for a city is called the "Master Plan." Ah, isn't that just so awesome you can't stand it? It's mostly filled with boring, bureaucratic language, so I try to spice it up a little.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: "So I say the function of man is to live, not to exist. I would rather that my spark should not burn out in a brilliant blaze that it should be stifled by dry rot."
Ann: You wrote that?
Leslie Knope: Jack London. Again. Is that too many Jack London quotes?
Ann: No, no.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I mean, you can never have enough.
Ann: That is easily the most exciting budget proposal I've ever heard.