Ben: Okay, Chris, hypothetical crisis. Leslie just tried to answer a question and audibly farted then threw up. Spin.
Chris: Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking of methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?
Ann: Wow. Nice.
Both: Spin team!
[aside to camera:]
Chris: Ann and I make such a great team. It's silly that we're not a team in real life. I just heard those words come out of my mouth, and I have made a decision.

Chris: I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved. Is that true?
Ann: Yes, we broke up. And I honestly can't believe we ever dated.
Chris: Does defy logic. Okay, I still have feelings for you. Strong feelings. Emotional, primal feelings. And I would like to give our relationship another try.
Ann: Chris, we dated for, like, three months a year ago. I honestly think that you've built this into something that it wasn't. And according to your rule, we can't date because you're my boss.
Chris: Maybe not for long. If Newport wins, the city council may replace me. But it would open it up for us to be together. Would you like that? Don't answer. Just think about it. Come on. Let's spin.

Andy: Uh-oh. Somebody forgot to pay the cable bill. [laughs] Am I right? It was me.

Leslie Knope: Do it. Fierce. Power. Pump it up. 2012. Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan.
Ben: Opening statement.
Leslie Knope: I am Leslie Knope. I love this town. I've worked my whole life to make it great. I believe I've earned your vote. Bobby Newport believes he can buy it. I have the best campaign manager in the world.
Ben: I wouldn't say that. Jen's a killer. You can beat Newport. I don't know if I can beat her.
Leslie Knope: Here's what I know. I love you, and I like you.
Ben: I love you, and I like you.

Ben: Your boy looks a little lost out there.
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, he'll be fine. Expectations are crazy low. If he puts two sentences together without crying, the press is going to say he's doing surprisingly well, and if he falls to pieces, he's going to look sympathetic. It's a win-win. So do you have any idea how long this is going to take?

Perd Hapley: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the event we are doing tonight, which is a city council candidate debate that we're going to start now. I'm Perd Hapley.

Fester Trim: I am Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you your guns at the Gun-Believable Gun Emporium.
Man: Whoo!
Fester Trim: I want to tell you about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.
Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, "what does an adult film star know about politics?" Well, I've produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year alone.
Man: Whoo!
Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to be the only woman in a room full of men.
Manrico Della Rossa: I am Manrico Della Rossa. I believe animals are as important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my own children.
Leslie Knope: I am Leslie Knope. I love this town, and I've worked my whole life to make it great. I believe that I've earned your vote. Bobby Newport believes he can buy it. And maybe that's because he's never earned anything his entire life.
Bobby Newport: That--that hurt my feelings. Hurt my feelings. You're supposed to be this positive person. Can't we just talk about things we like? [applause]
Joan Callamezzo: Well said. Uh, just a reminder to our candidates to keep it civil. Looking at you, Leslie.
Bobby Newport: Ah, that's okay, Joan. I'm okay. I'm just-- [mouths words] I'm nervous, man. I'm nervous. Gah. I guess I want to do a good job because, um, I like it when people think I do a good job. And I want your vote because I want Pawnee and my dad to see what I'm made of. So let's do this. [cheers and applause] The wrecking crew. Who let you guys in? Hey, Jason.

Reporter: How do you respond to Newport's claim that the city parks need to be cleaned up?
Chris: Leslie Knope works tirelessly every day, so our parks can be the best they can be. 78% of Pawneeans label our parks "pristine."
Tom: And we all know the better-looking a park is, the more attention it will get from lady parks who want to have sex with it.

Bobby Newport: I guess my thoughts on abortion are... You know, let's just all have a good time.
Fester Trim: I don't care about that issue. Just ask someone else.
Brandi Maxxxx: For the record, I'd appear in a film with any of my fellow candidates.
Manrico Della Rossa: Anteaters.
Fester Trim: Kill shot.
Brandi Maxxxx: Money shot.
Bobby Newport: Fudgsicles.
Leslie Knope: Let's spend our money on what matters. Police, fire, parks, and schools. [cheers and applause]

Jennifer Barkley: After a rough start, your girl's doing okay.
Ben: Um, I think she's doing a little better than okay. Or did you miss the applause she got on the raccoon safety question?