April: I can't get through to the cable company. Can you do something?
Ron Swanson: Like what?
April: Anything. Andy's just acting out scenes from his favorite movies.
Andy: [imitates motorcycle engine] So Swayze runs, boom! Tackles the guy off the motorcycle. Dude's like, "You're dead, bro!" Comes at him. Swayze ducks, scissor kick. Sha! The guy has Swayze's head. And he says, "I used to [bleep] guys like you in prison." By the looks of this guy, this is not consensual sex we're talking about. We see bad guy had a gun the whole time. He's like, "I'ma kill you the old-fashioned way." Swayze's like, "Not this time." That's subtext. He doesn't say that. Bypasses the gun, hooks the arm. Back to the secret move he used before to kill somebody, he feels so bad about it. But this time he has to do it because it's self-defense. K-k-k-kah! Takes the esophagus out of the neck area. You can't eat. You'll starve to death. And that is Road House.

Joan Callamezzo: What should I do next? Leslie Knope. This question is about Pawnee's park system. Why is Ramsett Park so filthy and awful?
Leslie Knope: It's difficult to get into the complicated problems with Ramsett Park in such a short amount of time.
Perd Hapley: You have 20 seconds.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, okay. I will say that the parks in Pawnee--
Perd Hapley: I do have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time is almost gone.
Leslie Knope: I have no more time left?
Perd Hapley: Well, you had some time when I started talking, but by the time I finished, your time was up. Thank you very much.

Tom: But Bobby Newport is super handsome and charming, so that means people will probably vote for him because there's no justice in the world.

Fester Trim: Well, there's no reason on earth that I can think of that we shouldn't have concussion grenades in our nation's movie theaters.
Bobby Newport: By the year 2013, we will have a fully functional mall on Jupiter.
Leslie Knope: Sure, I agree that movies should be more faithful to the books that they are based on, but what does that have to do with this election?
Brandi Maxxxx: All my movies are based on books.

Joan Callamezzo: This question about public safety comes from Twitter because apparently, that's something that happens now. @munchmeat2015 asks, "Pawnee used 2 b safe. Some1 stole my car. What will u do 2 make Pawnee safe & can u help me find my car?"
Fester Trim: I can assure you, if you had a gun mounted on the dashboard, which automatically shot people trying to break into it, you would still have your car. [light applause]
Bobby Newport: You know, I guess I would like to tell Mr. Munchmeat that I think that stinks that happened to him. You know, one time a guy stole some downhill skis out of my jeep. And I was so mad, I punched a mailbox. I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. [applause]

Joan Callamezzo: Mr. Newport, rebuttal.
Bobby Newport: I know this. If something is dirty, we should clean it up. Let's start there. [applause] Right? You know what, I had this cleaning lady named Yolanda who was very wise. She basically raised me. And one day she said, "Little Bobby, I'm not going to clean your room no mas." And from that day on, my room was gross. Really bummed me out. I think we should make our parks look like my room after Yolanda finally, you know, gave in and cleaned it up for me.
Leslie Knope: If I may, Joan. That's a very sweet story, Bobby, but not all of us have Yolandas who can clean up our room for us. Some of us believe that you need to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work yourself. [applause]
Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that, like Leslie, I don't have people do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work, of course, is having sex with men and women on camera.
Joan Callamezzo: Once again, Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.

Ben: Ron, April, and Andy, you'll be throwing a party for our biggest donors.
Andy: [British accent] Ooh, I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Dottie and Todd and Rick.
Leslie Knope: Is the menu all set?
Ron Swanson: Yes, I will be providing several slabs of my world-famous Swanson ribs.
April: And I will be providing my world-famous $100 lap dances.
Andy: Sweet!
Leslie Knope: No.

Ben: Opening statement?
Leslie Knope: I am Leslie Knope. I love this town, and I've worked my whole life to make it great. I believe that I've earned your vote. Bobby Newport believes he can buy it.
Ben: You got this.
Leslie Knope: I got this.
Ben: You could debate Newport in your sleep.
Leslie Knope: I have.
Ben: I know. We sleep in the same bed. It's been hell.

April: I'm trying to clean up for the party, but I swear to God, my arms can't move that way.
Tom: Leave it messy. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Life is garbage.
April: What happened?
Tom: Ann broke up with me. For reals this time. And all I did was call into this radio station and give her a sweet little shout-out.
[flashback:]
Tom: [over radio] So we're up in the club. It's me! We're dancing. We're sweating. Let's just say we got to second that night. Kind of.
Radio: Me so horny.
Tom: [over radio] This chick's name is Ann Perkins. Look her up on the government website. She is crazy hot. Isn't that great?
Tom: Come here. Aah! I complimented you.

Tom: I guess she's just afraid of how powerful her feelings are.
April: Dude, that's not why she broke up with you. You have to stop your stupid swagger and just tell her in a normal voice that you care about her.
Tom: What do you know? You don't care about things.
April: Yes, I do, I care about... Andy... And champion. And I want Leslie to win, and I like sleeping. So everybody has things they care about. If Ann is yours, you need to tell her.