Tom: Jerry, today is your birthday, but it's about much more than that. It's also about Ann and I getting back together and being the hottest couple in Pawnee. I'd also like to announce our official relationship mash-up name. It's "Tan." To Tan.
Ann: I would like to announce that the name Tan is officially over. To the end of Tan.
Tom: Haverkins it is.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Donna?
Donna: I would like to address the fact that rule number seven says "no pets" and yet there is a three-legged animal in my living room.

Ron Swanson: You're a month behind on everything. You forgot to file the weekly Parks Maintenance report. You do it every week, and you forgot. Things are falling through the cracks. I'm pretty sure you've worn that sweater four days in a row.
Leslie Knope: Or I own four identical versions of the same sweater.
Ron Swanson: No, you don't, there's an old lollipop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday.
Leslie Knope: [chuckles] That's the style now, Ron. It's called "lollipopping." All the kids are doing it.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you need to take a sabbatical.
Leslie Knope: Okay. You know what, Ron? I accept your apology, I will not take a sabbatical, as we agreed, and we will never discuss this again.

Tom: Sorry, Ann. You can't open this gift. It's for the most beautiful girl in Pawnee. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up, wait. That's you.
Ann: Wow.
Tom: Yeah, and look, I got one too. Matching His and Hers.
Ann: So I'm "Tommy's girl," and you're just "Tom"? Why not "Ann's man"?
Tom: [chuckles] Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you.
Ann: You can either burn these hats in a fire, or you can use a blowtorch.
Tom: How about this option? We put the hats on-
Ann: Don't say it.
Tom: We take everything else off.

Chris: Well, I took him to PetSmart. I got him various toys, got him shots, got him groomed, and gave him plenty of exercise. He's healthier than ever.
Andy: Wait, did his leg grow back? Aw, no, no. That's okay.
Chris: Andy, if I may?
Andy: Yes.
Chris: Dogs tend to take on the personalities of their owners, so if you were to sit on your couch all day watching cartoons and eating nothing but Cheetos, that's what he would want to do too.
Andy: [chuckles] Who wouldn't? That sounds like an amazing day, right?

Leslie Knope: This is unacceptable. Birthdays are important. I'm so sorry we forgot yours.
Ron Swanson: I guess it just slipped through the cracks.
Leslie Knope: Yes, I guess it did. Anyway, Happy Birthday to Jerry. You are a kind and wonderful soul.
Jerry: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Also I need you to do some fecal contamination testing at the reservoir.
Jerry: Now?
Leslie Knope: Yes, go get a kit from maintenance, and I need you to check the water for bird dung.
Jerry: Can I at least grab the gloves?
Leslie Knope: Jerry, what are you doing standing here? Our water has poop in it.
Jerry: Oh, my God.

Leslie Knope: Now Jerry is turning 64 this year.
Andy: He's only 64?
Leslie Knope: 64 divided by 4 is--
All: 16.
Andy: 64.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I just did a phone interview while simultaneously decorating this house for Jerry's surprise party. Totally multitasking, totally on top of all of it. Crow for dinner tonight, Mr. Swanson?

Leslie Knope: Okay, we are locked and loaded. Music is ready. Slideshow is prepped. April, when does Jerry arrive?
April: How would I know?
Leslie Knope: Who was supposed to invite Jerry? Guys, someone was supposed to invite Jerry. It's his surp-- Crap, it was me. I forgot to invite Jerry.

Ron Swanson: You need to take a sabbatical.
Leslie Knope: I'm not taking a sabbatical. Is this because I forgot to invite Jerry to his own birthday party?
Ron Swanson: It did seem like an oversight.
Leslie Knope: I have a prediction, Ron. By the end of the night, you are going to take a bite of Jerry's cake, which incidentally, we need to pick up on the way home, and you are gonna say, "Sabbatical, schmabbatical. Leslie can do it all. She's the best, and I'm stupid."
Ron Swanson: That does sound like me.